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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Family Trees & Long Division

So, anyone who knows me, knows that I am blessed (or in some cases cursed) with a very unusual family tree. My oldest sister and I have dubbed it more of a "hedge" than a tree.

This might puzzle you at first, but I assure you, there is nothing simple when it comes to my family tree. I'll give you a brief example and we'll just see if you can keep it all straight on the first try!

My bio father (let's call him DNA since that's all he really offered) has 5 ex wives, 2 ex-mistresses, and umteen odd women we don't know about! We'll start there.

DNA marries wife 1 and they have my oldest sister whose age I can only determine by adding X to my own age. DNA & wife 1 divorce.
DNA marries wife 2, has no children & divorces her. However, while married to wife 2, DNA meets mistress A with whom he has a son that went to high school with my oldest 1st cousin.
After mistress A, DNA meets my mother, has me, marries & is later divorced. While married to my mother, wife 3, DNA hooks up with mistress B and has another daughter 1 year younger than me.
After this, DNA marries wife 4. This happens to be his longest official marriage and results in my youngest sister whose age I can only determine by subtracting X from my own age. While married to wife 4, DNA adopts her son with her ex-husband 2. Afterwards, DNA & wife 4 are divorced.
Due to extenuating circumstances, DNA is unable to be with any women for several years after this divorce (he may however have had a couple of boyfriends!)
At his first opportunity, DNA marries wife 5 and has my baby brother who is (I kid you not) 25 years younger than me! Soon after the birth of their son, DNA & wife are divorced.
DNA is currently on the market for his next "Baby Factory"!

I know I said that I would give you a "brief" example, but as you see, there is nothing "brief" about the facts of my family. If you've been able to stick with me so far, then you can imagine how complicated matters get when you add into the mix that all of the wives involved remarried & had children with other men. That means that there are at least 7 children in this world who must master the art of long division & trigonometry just to figure out how one sibling is related to them.

Honestly, it's down right ridiculous. No wonder I'm so good at mathematics. I've spent my life juggling 6 half siblings, numerous step-brothers & sisters, step-mothers, step-fathers, not-quite-step relatives, and their pets. It takes 15 pages of quadratic equations just to calculate someone's birthday. By then, I end up sending them a "Belated" card appologizing for the fact that I carried the 5 and misplaced the decimal!

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