Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

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If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Today Smooth Legs; Tommorow the World!

Yes! I shaved my legs today! Okay, so I semi-shaved my legs in a way that only a pregnant woman can appreciate. I hearby swear by the Schick Quatro which allowed me to clumsily go over areas (even though I couldn't see them) without obtaining a single nick. Daddy Dearest thinks the fact that I accomplished this is the most hilarious thing in the world. Imagine how funny he'd think it was if he'd actually been present to observe this miraculous act of manuevering.

My next goal will be to paint my toenails. Of course, if Daddy was really sweet he'd do it for me. However, considering the fact that the man nearly projectile vomits at the smell of fingernail polish, I highly doubt that will be a reality. I am determined, nonetheless, to have painted toenails in the near future. Even if I have to pay the neighbor ladies 9-year-old to do it!

1 comment:

karla said...

I know this is the last resort of the truly desperate, but you should consider using Nair while you're pregnant. I didn't think of that when I was pregnant--come to think of it, is it safe for pregnant chicks?--which is why I eventually found myself with my feet in the stirrups in the delivery room, examining the very visible hair on my chubby white legs. My poor doctor.