Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Friday, February 23, 2007

Wonder Maxi to the RESCUE!!

Okay, maybe it's just me, but what's up with the new Stayfree Maxi Pad Commercial?

If you haven't seen it, I'll give you a brief recap:

Three women lounging on a rooftop in the sun. A watertower nearby springs a leak. Blondie jumps to the rescue with her package of Stayfree Maxi Pads. One Maxi absorbs all of the watertower's leaking water. Returning to her seat, another woman "pets" the maxi and declares, "It's still DRY!!!". Blondie places the maxi back in her purse!

I realize that given my current state, it's been some time since I've had to bother with the burdens of maxi pads. However, never in my entire life has a maxi pad made me feel like a SUPERHERO!! As a matter of fact, anytime I've ever needed to carry my maxi pads around with me, I certainly was in no mood to jump to the rescue of anyone.

PLEASE!! Show me something I might believe:

Woman sitting in a police station being questioned about the death of her boyfriend. The officer asks if she has an alibi. "Why yes officer, as a matter of fact, I do! You see, I woke with a killer migraine, crawled out of bed doubled over with cramps, drug my half-dead body to the bathroom where I downed half a bottle of Midol and dug my Stayfree Maxi Pads out from under the sink. I then walked zombi-fashion to the kitchen where I proceded to consume a half-pint of Rocky Road ice cream for breakfast before settling on the couch to watch Oprah. My boyfriend knocked on the front door, but all I had the energy to do was throw the remote at the door. Realizing that I'd rather be watching Dr. Phil, I crawled acrossed the room to retrieve the remote and decided to let my boyfriend inside. I was hoping that I could talk him into running me a warm bath. Unfortunately, when I opened the door I found him dead in the hallway. At first I was shocked, but then it suddenly occured to me that I needed to change my maxi. After spending 15 minutes in the bathroom, I downed the other half of the Midol bottle and ran my bath. 30 minutes later, I crawled back to the couch and became enthrawled in my favorite soap opera. It was 45 minutes and a king size Snickers bar later that I remembered I'd left Bobby lying dead in the hallway. I was trying to remember where I left the cordless phone when I had to rush to the bathroom again to prevent a HUGE disaster! I finally found the phone on my bedroom floor where I'd left it when I called in sick this morning and was just about to dial 9-1-1 when the police began banging on my front door. Now if you don't mind, could someone make a trip to the corner gas station to pick me up some Stayfree Maxi Pads because the crappy maxi pads provided in the women's restroom are not qualified to absorb what drips from a toddler's sippy cup?"

Now see... I would BUY that!!

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