My Confession!!

Yes, this pregnant hippo has a serious confession! I have a horrible problem that seriously effects my ability to function normally. It's hard to admit that you have a problem like this, so I'm going out on a limb here by trusting you. It's a horrible addiction that mayseriously affect the way some people look at me, and I'm a little bit afraid that I may have to seek psychiatric assistance if I ever get brave enough to overcome this disorder. At this point, I'm honestly not sure that I'm ready to seek serious treatment for this problem, but I am finally ready to step up and admit that I do have a problem. Here I go.

I am terrible addicted to HOUSE!!!

Yes, that's right. The sarcasm of Hugh Laurie is my heroine. I simply cannot function without my weekly "fix" of snide remarks and medical mysteries. I know that I am not alone in this affliction. There are others out there just like me who have been suffering in silence. One major side effect has included homocidal thoughts towards the makers of American Idol since it has denied me my necessary dose of HOUSE for the past two weeks. Other side effects include staring in anticipation at my on-screen TV guide, counting down the minutes until I get my next fix, writing ranting blogs about the absense of HOUSE, and driving relatives insane complaining about my HOUSE withdrawl.

For the past two weeks I've been going through some serious withdrawl symptoms. I must admit that it is very difficult to detox from this horrific addiction. There were times when I seriously considered having myself committed to a little padded room, but the though of getting my next "fix" tonight has kept me going. I fear that there may be no cure for this addiction and I am emotionally traumatized by the thought of going through extended periods without HOUSE. I have terrorizing nightmares about what would happen if HOUSE were ever canceled. *shivers* Just typing that statement has caused me to go into an instant panick attack and I nearly had to dial 9-1-1 to prevent me from breaking out into a full blown fit of hyperventilation!

Thankfully, HOUSE is coming on in precisely 25 minutes, 15 seconds and I think I may be able to hold off that much longer. It's hard though. I'm continually breaking out into hot and cold flashes and foaming at the mouth. I know that I will be able to think of nothing else until I get my "fix". Just the thought of having my sarcasm quota fulfilled makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Unfortunately, I know that as soon as the episode is over with, I'll be staring at the television in horror and wishing that tomorrow was also Tuesday!

Just One More Thing About Commercials

Have you seen this commercial?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqX7VxW3wL0

I mean seriously... The Most Advanced Piece of Technology You'll Ever Pee On?

Need I even say more?

While We're Talking About Commercials

Here's a great commercial idea from the ramblings of Daddy Dearest (after watching me skillfully remove my bra after work, while remaining fully dressed):

Woman walking out of a business meeting removes her bra under her shirt & tosses it in the secretary's wastebasket.

Woman sitting in a fine restaurant removes her bra from under her shirt & tosses it on the dirty stack of dishes.

Woman in a movie theater removes her bra from under her shirt & tosses it in the row behind her.

Four women get off work and begin drive home. All remove their bras under their shirts and toss them out the window on the freeway.

Scenes of abandoned bras in various odd places (i.e. the elevator, hanging on a gas pump, a park bench, etc.)

One woman undressing that evening before bed and still wearing her bra.

Commentary, "Finally, a bra that really CAN give you 18 full hours of comfort!"

Now tell me that almost every woman in America can't relate to that!

Wonder Maxi to the RESCUE!!

Okay, maybe it's just me, but what's up with the new Stayfree Maxi Pad Commercial?

If you haven't seen it, I'll give you a brief recap:

Three women lounging on a rooftop in the sun. A watertower nearby springs a leak. Blondie jumps to the rescue with her package of Stayfree Maxi Pads. One Maxi absorbs all of the watertower's leaking water. Returning to her seat, another woman "pets" the maxi and declares, "It's still DRY!!!". Blondie places the maxi back in her purse!

I realize that given my current state, it's been some time since I've had to bother with the burdens of maxi pads. However, never in my entire life has a maxi pad made me feel like a SUPERHERO!! As a matter of fact, anytime I've ever needed to carry my maxi pads around with me, I certainly was in no mood to jump to the rescue of anyone.

PLEASE!! Show me something I might believe:

Woman sitting in a police station being questioned about the death of her boyfriend. The officer asks if she has an alibi. "Why yes officer, as a matter of fact, I do! You see, I woke with a killer migraine, crawled out of bed doubled over with cramps, drug my half-dead body to the bathroom where I downed half a bottle of Midol and dug my Stayfree Maxi Pads out from under the sink. I then walked zombi-fashion to the kitchen where I proceded to consume a half-pint of Rocky Road ice cream for breakfast before settling on the couch to watch Oprah. My boyfriend knocked on the front door, but all I had the energy to do was throw the remote at the door. Realizing that I'd rather be watching Dr. Phil, I crawled acrossed the room to retrieve the remote and decided to let my boyfriend inside. I was hoping that I could talk him into running me a warm bath. Unfortunately, when I opened the door I found him dead in the hallway. At first I was shocked, but then it suddenly occured to me that I needed to change my maxi. After spending 15 minutes in the bathroom, I downed the other half of the Midol bottle and ran my bath. 30 minutes later, I crawled back to the couch and became enthrawled in my favorite soap opera. It was 45 minutes and a king size Snickers bar later that I remembered I'd left Bobby lying dead in the hallway. I was trying to remember where I left the cordless phone when I had to rush to the bathroom again to prevent a HUGE disaster! I finally found the phone on my bedroom floor where I'd left it when I called in sick this morning and was just about to dial 9-1-1 when the police began banging on my front door. Now if you don't mind, could someone make a trip to the corner gas station to pick me up some Stayfree Maxi Pads because the crappy maxi pads provided in the women's restroom are not qualified to absorb what drips from a toddler's sippy cup?"

Now see... I would BUY that!!

Top 10 Reasons I HATE American Idol!!

10. It just dawned on me that I don't even like the logo for American Idol. The A is meesy, American is crooked and Idol is... anyway... I think it's ugly.

9. Do we really care? We get wrapped up in the hype and the voting and the SCANDAL!! But afterwards, if it wasn't "you're #1" that won it all. Do you really care? Personally, the only Idol winner I truely know much about is Carrie Underwood. Why? Well, because I voted for her for a whole season and then she happened to make it work afterwards. Did I care when her first album came out? No, it was okay, but I didn't jump for joy. Do I care now? Not really, but I'm super in love with her latest hit song and therefore it's all good. Was Carrie Underwood's winning American Idol the highlight of my life? year? month? week? No, maybe the highlight of my evening on that particular evening but that's only because it was like picking the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby even though you didn't win a dime!

8. The hypocracy. Everyone gets so mad because Simon criticizes (harshly at times) the singer's ability (or lack of). That's fine, but if you're going to complain about what an ASS he is, don't you dare let me catch you laughing when they show the "Season's Worst" episode!

7. American Idol Karaoke CD Packs!! OK... Even I am DUMBSTRUCK by this. American Idol IS just a big KARAOKE show people!! No matter what they'd like you to think. I can go to any local college bar and hear people sing who are equally as BAD and equally as GOOD!! It's KARAOKE for people too lazy to go to the BAR!! The Karaoke CD has 3 more songs than Carrie Underwood's HIT ALBUM and costs $3 more!!

6. The ALL NEW DVD American Idol BOARD GAME (American Idol - All Star Challenge DVD)!! Oh, yes, see me? I cannot contain my excitement! PLEASE, encourage youth around the world to go forth and make idiots out of themselves and have their self-esteem crushed for all eternity because a DVD told them they SUCKED!! THANK YOU!!!

5. Nothing makes me want to puke more than hearing one of my favorite songs BOTCHED by some pop star wannabe.

4. Simon Cowell - okay, so he's a jerk and he's mean and that's not really why I hate him. Honestly, I hate him because he's so Metro-sexual it sickens me. Oh and for "Il Divo"!!

3. I have trouble sitting through 2 hours worth of a movie (even a good movie) what in the world would inspire a network to air 2 hours of mind-numbing KARAOKE!!!

2. Who is the BAD friend who told some of these people that they CAN SING? I mean honestly, don't YOU have friends who would keep you from going on national TV and making an ASS of yourself?

AND the NUMBER 1 reason why I HATE American Idol isssssssss.......................

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(Warning: I'm very irate about this one!)

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(No. Seriously. This ticks me off!)

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(I'm telling you, this won't be pretty!)

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1. WHO THE @#%& DO THEY THINK THEY ARE? I HAVE TO WAIT 2 MORE WEEKS TO SEE AN EPISODE OF "HOUSE" BECAUSE AMERICA IS INFATUATED WITH IDIOTS THAT CANNOT SING!! WHAT THE %$#@ KIND OF #$% IS THIS? DON'T YOU PEOPLE REALIZE THAT THE SARCASM OF GREGORY HOUSE IS FAR MORE ENTERTAINING TO LISTEN TO THAN SOME BIMBO IN TIGHT PANTS SING BITS AND PIECES OF OTHER PEOPLE'S SONGS? HAVE YOU NO FRIGGING SHAME? I'M DYING HERE!! AND TO MAKE IT WORSE, YOU REPLACE "HOUSE" WITH SOMETHING TOTALLY CRAPTASTIC!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Slacking

Yes, I know I'm slacking on my blog, but honestly I've been busy. I promise, I'll be sure to have a new post (with an extremely believable excuse) before the end of the night. I'm working on it right now, but frankly "House" is coming on in less than an hour and since it's the only time I refuse to pry myself away from the TV (even if the apartment was on fire) today's string of excuses (and obsinities about my weekend) will simply have to wait until later tonight.