Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Good Sign It's Past My Bedtime

Daddy Dearest gets up and makes the bed. He then returns to the living room with something ominously concealed in his hands.

Daddy: Hold out your hand
Me: *cringing and yanking hand away*
Daddy: Just hold out your hand
Me: This better not be icky! *cringing, preparing to scream & throw whatever is placed in my hand*

Daddy drops two chewable vitamins in my hand. hehe... yes, I'm obviously PARANOID!!

I might be offended if it weren't for the fact that I'd told him I was going to bed an hour ago and he knows how miserable I feel in the mornings. If anyone else did it, I'd suspect alterior motives, but Daddy has only the best of intentions.

Goodnight... I think... no, seriously... Goodnight... FOR REAL!!

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