Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Monday, February 19, 2007

Soda Can From Hell!

Today I encountered the soda from Hell. It was a mystery soda I had purchased from the seemingly normal vending machine in the office. There was a minor dent upon the bottom of the can, but nothing to deter the average soda drinker.

This devilish can had sat on my desk for about ten minutes when I finally decided to open it. During those ten minutes it had not been disturbed in the slightest way to provoke an irritable nature. However, upon opening the can it immediately fizzed in a very threatening manner. As if it thought about exploding all over me, but then thought otherwise. I sipped away the soda foam, thankful that we had adverted a potential disaster for both me and the computer's keyboard. Much to my surprise, I found that the can was still foaming. On two more occasions I sipped away the excess foaminess expecting the endless (yet, extremely slow) flow to eventually subside. As the clock ticked on, the can continued to foam over at the top in a strange and eerie fashion. I finally resorted to the age old trick of placing your finger in the soda. The bubbles quickly dispersed, but once my finger was removed, the entourage began again.

Finally, out of great concern for my own safety, I poured the liquid concoction into a plastic cup so that I might better examine it. Upon close examination there were swirls of rainbows within the liquid much like you would see in a spot of oil poured upon the ground. This I could easily have overlooked, after all, I did stick my fingers in the liquid and surely they were oily.

However, as I watched the endless flow of fizzling bubbles on the surface of the soda, it became clear to me that they were moving in oddly straight lines. There was no randomness to the bubbles. They swirled around in connected lines of chaos like some strange ballet.

At this point in the discussion, I must admit that I was concerned that I may be hallucinating. Therefore I called over a co-worker who verified that while I may be clinically insane, I was NOT hallucinating. There was definitely something very wrong with my soda.

So, for the personal safety of all of us involved, I chose to trash my fifty cent can of soda. It was a tragedy, but one I was willing to make after what I had witnessed. Please, be wary of all suspicious soda cans that spit fuzzy bubbles for no apparent reason.


Anonymous said...

While working at Subway we got a coke can that had no bubbles. Thank you for finding them for me!! Luv A

Tink said...

I think we all need a "Houston" to call in dangerous moments like these.

"Houston, I have a problem. This soda can is acting pretty shady."