Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

This Might Be Fun

This post is just for Tink...

Note: I love Shel Silverstein and this will in no way do justice to that writing. This is just my boredom insanely mixing with Tink's comment and my moderate poetry skills.

Where the Sidewalk Ends

There is a place where the sidewalk ends, I guess they ran out of concrete.

You'll find a gaping hole there so I suggest you watch your feet.

When I get really bored I stroll to where the sidewalk ends at

I throw things in the gaping hole and listen for them to go *splat*

One day I threw a penny in and waited with a patient ear

Trying to guess how long it'd be before that landing sound I'd hear

I bent my knees and craned my neck but only silence echoed in the black

That's when I learned where the sidewalk ends, things fall in and don't come back

Then in my mind a dark idea, I'd found the perfect hiding spot

For all the things that drive me mad. I began to grin at this new thought

I tossed the neighbors and their dog, into that never-ending pit

Now I don't have to look out my window and stare at Fido's shit

One day my brother ticked me off so I took him where the sidewalk ends

And while he listened for his penny, I smiled and shoved him in

I took my exes 4x4 and stuck the gear in drive

And then I simply stood and watched as it took one final dive

Where the sidewalk ends I think, you'll find a lot of junk

I've tossed some jeans, and all my trash and many things that stunk

So if you ever find yourself, standing where the sidewalk ends

You just might want to watch your back and pray you are my friend!

-Ellie's Mommie 2006

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