Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.


If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Monday, February 26, 2007

Barbie's Legs Popped Off Again!!

I realize that in my messed up pregnant brain things aren't always the way they should be, but I must say that today definately took the cake!

Let me explain. I have a fabulous set of maternity pants that my mother picked up for the criminal price of $3 a pair. They are all hip, cute, and most importantly they don't fall off my ass when I sit down. However, there is one pair that I haven't quite got the hang of yet. Just a pair of plain denim maternity pants. Nothing fancy smancy about them, except that they have a pretty red and yellow decorative seam. The weird part about it is that the decorative seam is on the inseam! Yes, that's right. The decorative seam runs up the inside of my legs. It reminds me a lot of an airport runway. Here you go kid! Everything's well lit when you decide to make your entry!!

So back to my pregnancy brain. Today, I'm sitting at my desk with one leg thrown clumsily over the other knee. As I look down at my pant leg, I can't help but notice (once again) this decorative inseam. And what was the first thought that popped in my mind?

"Oh my god! My legs are on backwards!!"

2 comments:

Ramblings from an Old Woman that lived in a shoe. said...

Ellie you are sucking the last of the brain cells from your Mom. Please cut her some slack. You will be a smart child, you do not need to steal every brain cell mommy has. love Granny

Tink said...

Ok, you have lost it. But in a good-oh-my-god-you're-funny sort of way. ;)