Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Stalking my boyfriend!

Woohoo! I have discovered a new and interesting SPYWARE tool! Now, from the comfort of my desk at work, I can know whether Daddy dearest will be awake when I get home from work or not. It's really not a big deal either way. The man works evenings and so he usually stays awake all night and sleeps while I'm at work. However, it does make me more prepared for my arrival home.

You see, there is a difference between coming home to a man who has been awake long enough to have his "morning" cigarette and can of soda, and coming home to an utterly exhausted man who isn't truely convinced that his job is worth getting out of that cozy bed. The first means I get to walk in the door with a smile on my face and happily announce, "Honey, I'm HOME!!" while the later means I should quietly tiptoe through the apartment until it's time to wake the sleeping giant with gentle hugs and kisses (much like myself, he has an inner demon that is not exactly human for about 30 minutes after awakening!)

I greatly prefer to come home to the wide awake version of Daddy. Partially because I like to see his beaming smile when I walk through the door, but also because I'm starting to nod off at that point in the day causing my inner demon (Sybil) to come out. Some of you might think that two demon's would be perfectly suited for each other. You would be DEAD WRONG! You see Sybil does NOT play well with others. She's more of the "chew them up and spit them out" type. Thus, if you put her in the same room with the "not quite awake and kinda grouchy" demon that Daddy possesses, there is bound to be screaming, eye gouging, and eventually an evil Sybilian battle cry!

So you see, this new SPYWARE tool will come in very handy in the near future because I will be better prepared to have Sybil chained down extra tight on occasions which Daddy has decided to sleep in.

I know, I know, you're all dying to learn what my SPYWARE tool is.

Quite simply, MSN Messenger!

Yes, I know... how boring! But honestly, I'm sitting on the computer at work, logged into my messenger, waiting to see if the YeahWhooos come on, when suddenly I get a message:

"You have just been logged into messenger on another computer. Click here to log in again!"

Well, isn't that neat? Guess Daddy woke up!

Phone call to Daddy:
--*ring ring*
--Daddy: Yes, dear?
--Me: Hi honey. You just got on the computer didn't you?
--Daddy: Yes! STALKER!!!
--Me: *giggles*
--Daddy: STALKER! *click*

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