Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Another Sesame Street Lesson

The ABC's of Pregnancy

A - A$$H*L3 (What Daddy will probably get called at least once during delivery!)

B - Baby Belly

C - Cheeseburgers (aka: The Quickest Way to Cheer Mommy Up)

D - Daddy Dearest

E - Expensive (i.e. Doctor's Bills, Baby Supplies, Maternity Clothes, etc.)

F - Feet (What I would love to see again!)

G - Gigantic (How big I feel!)

H - Hormonal!!

I - It's a Girl!!!

J - Jello (What my belly looks like when baby gets frisky)

K - Kickboxer (What our little girl will be when she grows up)

L - Legs (Something I long to shave again!)

M - Motherhood

N - Nookie (What I have no desire for these day. Sorry, was that too much?)

O - Obstetrician (Someone who probably knows more about you than your significant other at this point!)

P - Pain killers (What I'll be screaming for the minute I hit the hospital doors!)

Q - Questions (10,000 thoughts that scramble your brain on a daily basis. 9,999 of them have no right answer)

R - Rhogam (A shot that makes your butt cheek hurt for 3 days afterwards)

S - Sleep (A rare commodity from now until graduation)

T - Third Trimester (The longest three months of your life)

U - Ultrasound (Those fabulous prenatal pictures that are so very expensive)

V - Virgin (What I swear I am!!)

W - Waddle When you Walk!!

X - X-Rays (Just another excuse for avoiding the dentist!)

Y - Yoga (The art of being able to put your socks on in the morning)

Z - Zippers (What I'm thankful my shoes have, rather than laces)

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