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Wednesday, February 7, 2007

The Saga of a Sperm Donor

So, if you recently read my post about my family tree, you can probably guess that I don’t think too highly of the creature that donated my paternal DNA. It is no secret that this man is lower than whale scum on the evolutionary ladder in my life.

Despite the fact that I have managed to live a full and prosperous life in his absence, I find that his ongoing actions are still playing a major roll in my life.

As you may or may not know, I am blessed with the unique privilege of being an only child with the luxury of six other siblings. In short, it’s really the best of both worlds. I get all the attention of my loving and adoring parents because I am not forced to share their affections with other children. At the same time, I get all the perks of being a little sister, a big sister, an aunt and so on. I’ve been blessed to be a poor roll model for my siblings and yet I never had to face the repercussions of their actions because there was little that their biological parents could do to reprimand me.

My only wish is that somehow, I could separate that common-link of paternal heritage, while still maintaining the connections to my siblings, which I hold quite dear. Unfortunately, the DNA provider has left an undeniable mark on each and every one of his offspring, which prevents us from severing that tie completely.

Recently, I learned, with no real surprise, that wife 5 was oblivious to the facts surrounding her marriage and the history of her not-so-endearing husband.

It seems that the man has had a real string of bad luck with the ladies. Apparently, he told wife 5 that all of his other wives had cheated on him and that’s why none of his other marriages worked out. Guess that’s why he spent all that time incarcerated. He just needed to get away from those “sinful” women and their “hellish” ways. Being someone’s boyfriend for close to a decade must make you forget all about the horrors of marriage though. It certainly didn’t take him long to jump back into the swing of things once he was back in the free world.

I wasn’t in the least bit surprised to learn that the man also seemed to have developed a strange sort of amnesia. It seems that he could remember all the made up details of his past, including those evil women that he married, but he failed to recall that he had 6 children roaming around in the world. That completely explains why the minute each child was born he began shopping for the next womb to carry his prodigy. It wasn’t his fault! He just didn’t realize that he had six of us floating around in the world. Poor guy thought he was going to miss out on his chance to pass on his DNA!

It’s a great blessing that despite his many flaws and faults, he was able to have 7 children who are blessed with excellent memories of what a worthless father-figure he was. The poor guy is so confused about the gaps and holes in his life that he’d be lost without us. When you combine the memories of his children with the facts that his ex-wives and mistresses are aware of, you can almost paint a full picture of his history. Between us all, we’ve been able to fill in gaps for wife 5, so that she can proceed through life with her eyes wide open.

Now that she is no longer shrouded in the delusions of a delirious idiot, maybe she will be able to make more informed decisions in the future. In the very least, she’s been given the opportunity to level the playing field in her upcoming divorce and custody hearing. Let us all hope that history is not in the process of repeating itself in the near future, as clearly, he will need to start shopping for his next baby factory quite soon.

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