Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Yes! I have NO life!!

So I'm sitting here bored out of my mind contemplating the horrors of fishing cat vomit out of a toilet with a fork and realizing that indeed, I have NO LIFE!!

That's all there is to it!

Daddy Dearest left for work three hours ago (after kissing his girls who declared they would VEG on the couch for the evening!)

What have I (we) done since? We've inventoried our books and analyzed what they said about us! We've browsed through neighboring blogs (re-reading the horrors mentioned above). We've drank a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and wished that there was someone online to talk to. We've checked our Analytics and "WooHooed" at the fact we had a visitor from the fabulously far away state of Hawaii. We've peed several times! And we answered the phone to tell Daddy we wanted breadsticks with cheese and Flinstone's Complete for supper!!

Now look how productive we've been!!

I must confess that pregnancy makes me feel like the LAZIEST person on the planet!!

I know that I'm not ACTUALLY the LAZIEST because... well... I inventoried our book collection! Yeah! I really lazy (or sane) person would have never bothered to do that.

So, I am slowly coming to terms with my total lack of a life. I'm embracing my BOREDOM and hoping that somewhere in all of it, I'll be inspired to do something totally ridiculous (like assess my personality via my personal library collection). Who knows, maybe my boredom has inspired me to return my late library books (not likely since I'm halfway through two of them!)

But thankfully, as I sit here and wait for my breadsticks with cheese to arrive, I have the peace of mind knowing that our current living arrangement forbids pets and therefore...

...I do NOT have to fish cat vomit out of a toilet with a FORK!!!

(if you're very VERY bad... in you're next life you'll be a FORK!!!)

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