Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Condoms for Everyone

So my recent rant on how condoms should be given away free with practically every transaction has inspired my family members. They have decided to start buying little Ellie condoms for every occasion (including her baby shower).

While I'm not totally against this, I must say that it's a shame to know that all those condoms will expire before our daughter gets the opportunity to use them (especially since we're seriously considering locking her away & convincing her that all the boys died in a horrific plane crash!)

Therefore, I'll be more than happy to donate all of Ellie's unused condoms to anyone who feels they need a little added protection.

I recommend always using a condom when you visit your auto mechanic, local county treasure, voting booth, or car dealership. You know that eventually these visits will result in you getting screwed, so it's just smart to carry a condom with you.

Also, it couldn't hurt to wrap a few condoms around your computer. With all the viruses going around these days, it's just better to be safe than sorry.

One last thought, if you happen to be a woman, living within a one hundred mile radius of my biological father, please carry several condoms with you and considering taking birth control pills because it is quite obvious that all he has to do is look at a woman and she's knocked up.

Please let me know if you need any addition protection or advice.

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