Yep... It'll SUCK!

So, I thought I'd sum up our birthing classes so far:

• Session #1: Hi, we're pregnant. Yep, you're pregnant too. Guess we're all pregnant here! Hmmm... What should we talk about? Okay, well... Isn't pregnancy fabulous? No? Oh! Okay. Well this is why it sucks (pointing to picture of where all your organs have moved too now that baby has invaded your entire body). So see... it's so much fun being pregnant! Now for a little "birthing porn"! Oh my GOD!! I don't want to see that come out of me let alone some woman I don't know! *pukes in plastic cup* Thanks! Now I picture giving birth to some freaky alien being! Okay Daddies. Time to pamper Mommy! Quiet relaxing technique! Ahhh... wait... how am I supposed to relax when you just showed me way more than I wanted to see & our darling daughter has decided to have a karate class inside me? Okay... this is me being relaxed. Yeppers... I think we're done here. Honey... let's get a burger!

• Session #2: Hi, we're all still pregnant here (had to reintroduce b/c instructor had been sick the 1st night). Soooo... these are the stages of labor. First it sort of sucks. Then it really starts to suck & you might get uncomfortable & cranky. This would be the time to go to the hospital. Once you get to the hospital it's going to suck big time. This is why it sucks. You're squeezing a watermelon out of a 10 centimeter hole. Yes! I said 10 centimeters!! So if you don't take any medicine, here's how bad it'll suck! (watch video about sucky labor). Now lets go look at where all this sucky shit is going to take place. Wasn't that nifty? They'll take real good care of you. So back to today's lesson. Medicine is awesome. BUT.... it has some sucky things too. Here's a list of sucky crap that could happen to you if you take medicine. Now lets see a video about how bad it'll suck if you take meds. (insert video here) So now that we know how bad it's going to suck, let's remind Daddy that Mommy gets to be pampered through this whole process. Now balance on this circus ball and relax. This is how we breathe. In to 4, out to 4... in to 4, out to 4... okay then when it really starts to suck... in to 2, and out to 2... really shallow breaths... in to 2, out to 2... let's practice how we'll breath when it starts to suck. Okay, good job... have a great week!

• Session #3: Welcome back everyone! So these are some things you should bring to the hospital: money, phones or calling cards, phone numbers, slippers, personal hygiene stuff, clothes for you & baby, massage & relaxing stuff, books, etc. Now... lets talk about how much it would suck if you had to have a c-section. These are some reasons why you might need one. If you have one, you'll be awake, but you won't feel a thing. Of course, they won't let you see this because... well, we don't know because no one asked. Anyway, they'll cut you open and take out the baby. It'll take like 5 minutes. Then they'll stitch you back up. Recovery is longer, but other than that it pretty much sucks less than giving labor. Except for the gas pains. Now let's watch a video of a woman who's labor really sucked so she had a c-section to deliver her 9 pound baby. (insert video) Now you know everything will be okay if you do have to have a c-section. So, lets talk about a few more breathing things. When it starts to suck big monkey balls, a good breathing technique through a contraction is "hee hee hoo"... "hee hee hoo"... then when they tell you that you cannot push yet, you'll need to blow out "hoo hoo hoo hoo" not so fast that you hyperventilate though. When they ask you to push, it's like blowing up a balloon. Now lets balance on these circus balls and put your feet up on these chairs. Daddy will squeeze you into a "c" shape so your chin is on your chest. This is a good pushing position. Now remember Daddy... Mommy gets all sorts of pampering. So let's practice hand massages and relaxing techniques.... Ahhh... now isn't that nice? So next week we'll talk about newborns & caring for them. I'll have some new parents bring in their little brats and tell you all about how much labor sucked for them and how great it is to have a baby! Have a great week!

Okay, so I of course have added all the "SUCK" words. But only because the instructor is supposed to make it a positive thing and she can't actually come out and say, "Okay ladies. This is really going to suck! But it'll suck less for you since you're informed about how bad it will suck!"

Honestly, it really has been a good class. But it's still going to SUCK! I have no delussions. I figure if I keep telling myself how much it'll suck then either I'll be fully prepared for the suckiness or I'll be shocked to find it wasn't as bad as I thought. Either way, expecting it to suck & finding out I was right seems a lot better than thinking it'll be a walk in the park and finding out that it REALLY F#$%ING SUCKS!!!

So, please don't burst my bubble by trying to tell me about how much YOUR labor didn't suck! It sucked! You just don't remember it! The proof? You had SEX again!! Amnesia is a disorder that allows a woman who has gone through 9 hours of labor and squeezed a seven-pound screaming lizard out to EVER HAVE SEX AGAIN!!!