Fun with Sarcasm

Okay, so every now and then I get really bored because I have NO LIFE!! It's my own fault, I know, but honestly, I sold my life to the devil. I know it sounds crazy, but you didn't see that dress! It was so adorably and it looked so HOT on me. And I knew I couldn't afford it. I tried to sell my soul for it, but the devil just laughed at me. He never came right out and said it, but I'm pretty sure he must already own my soul. Probably won it in a poker game or something. Anyway, the point is, I ended up selling my life to the devil and now I have NO LIFE!! (But I have one AWESOME dress so I don't care!)

Normally, having no life doesn't really bother me. I can easily pass through most of the day without even noticing my total lack of a life. Unfortunately, there are days like today that just seem to drag on and on and on and you get the drift. On days like this, I start to wonder if maybe that dress wasn't worth selling my life. I mean, the dress doesn't even fit me right now in my current state of third-trimester-hipponess! But then I go look at the dress and think, "Oh, yes! Definately worth it!"

So back to my point. When I get really bored with having no life, I start surfing the web and inevitably I stumble across some random survey filled with pointless questions that I must obsessively answer. A normal person would be able to pass these surveys by without giving them a second thought, but I have no life and simply have no better way to pass the long hours of a day.

But in filling out these surveys I find that they have some of the most pointless questions in them and after you've filled in a half a dozen of them they start to become just as boring as watching the grass grow or the paint dry. So I thought I'dspiceit up a little bit.

Today, when I fill out my "bored-out-of-my-mind Survey" I fully intend to put my art of total sarcasm to the test. And if you too are bored out of your mind, you can see if you can figure out which answers are truthful, and which ones are pure sarcasm.

Here we go:

1. Do you snore, walk or talk during your sleep? I suspect that I actually go out and commit serious criminal violations during my sleep. I, of course, have no recollection of these events. However, I have reason to believe it is the only explanation for the vividly violent dreams I recall the next morning and the achiness I experience when getting out of bed.
2. Have you ever gotten lost in the dark? Not that I recall! Oh, wait! There was that rainy night in the city when I ended back at the airport when I was trying to get back to my dorm room. I finally got my bearings and decided that skipping the country probably wasn't the best way to avoid those dreaded final exams!
3. What are you looking forward to? While I'm really looking forward to meeting our little girl in a couple of months, I must confess that I am absolutely thrilled at the idea of all the extra sleep I'll be able to catch up on once our little one finally makes her grand entry!
4. Ever licked someone's cheek? But of course! I make it a regular habit of licking people on the cheek. How else are you supposed to know if they taste good or not? I've licked many a cheek in my lifetime!
5. Do you have any bad habits? Yes! I'm pregnant! If you believe everything you read then everything I do is probably a bad habit! I eat fast food, drink soda, and expose myself to unhealthy air. I gas up my own car, carry in my own groceries, and pig out on salami. I eat steak that isn't well done, spend too much time at my computer, and generally sit on my butt too much.
6. What are the last two numbers in your cell phone list? Depends on which list you're talking about. If it's my contacts, they're listed alphabetically so at the bottom you will find the numbers to Xtreme Adventures (bungee jumping, rock climbing, etc.) and the local XXX movie store.
7. Can you do a split and a straddle? Tell me, when was the last time you saw a pregnant woman do the splits? Honestly, even if I could have dislocated both hips in a fashion that would allow me to do the splits previously, there is no doubt that such a feat is utterly impossible when you are carrying a twenty-five bound basketball on your stomach! Now the straddle, that's a different story. I believe the straddle may have been the activity that got me knocked up in the first place!
8. Can you touch your toes? Touch my toes? I can't even SEE my toes! I've got an extra 15 inches of stomach protruding in a frontward manner! I haven't seen my toes in months!!
9. Have you recently been dumped? Well, I think he might have thought about it. As much as the poor guy has to put up with from an overly-emotional pregnant chick, I don't doubt that he's considered skipping out until after the baby arrives. However, he saw that thing in the news about the crazy astronaut chick and he got to thinking about all the things that his knocked-up girlfriend might do to him if he skipped out on her in the middle of this pregnancy. He decided that putting up with me was worth being alive to see his little girl.
10. Have you recently talked to an ex? No, I really only have one ex that I actually talk to on occasion, but these days I don't hear too much from him. I actually talk to his girlfriend more than I talk to him.
11. Name 6 things in your room: (see if you can pick out the 4 I really have in the room) A purple crack pipe, a mutilated copy of The Holy Bible, a stack of porn magazines, a voodoo doll of my ex-husband, a creepy gothic baby doll that scares visitors, and a dead animal's skull!
12. What if you found out you were adopted? There is no doubt in my mind that my mother DID adopt me from some aliens who were passing through. Their ship crashed in her back yard and after the repairs were made the damage was too severe to take me with them. My mother was SUPPOSED to get me a refrigerator box so that I could create a spaceship and fly back home. However, she is just too selfish and decided that she kind of liked having me around. Therefor, I never got my box and now I'm too fat to fly! But I forgive her, because frankly, she's only human.
13. Is there peanut butter and jelly in your fridge? No, I keep my peanut butter in the cupboard. But yes, there are four kinds of jelly in my fridge! And just for the record, asking a pregnant woman questions about food is very dangerous to your health. You might end up with puke on your shoes. However, in this case, it simply inspired me to get up and make a peanut butter and blackberry jelly sandwich. Lucky for you I DID have peanut butter and jelly in the house or else I would have been dining on a sandwich made out of cheese and the fingers I cut off someone's hand last week for trying to steal my food!
14. A bad rumor that you heard about yourself: There's this crazy rumor going around right now that I'm PREGNANT!! Can you believe that? It's actually kind of a relief though because I don't have to explain to everyone that all this extra belly is actually caused from eating too many of the neighborhood children. That's right! There IS a baby in my belly! I ATE IT!!
15. Do you curse? Hell no. Who the F$%! curses? I D@mn well better not hear anyone I know cursing around me. I just don't tolerate that F$%!ing Sh!t.
16. If your ex asked you back out, what would you say? Well, after I picked my fat ass up off of the floor, I'd probably look him in the eye and inform him that it would be a cold day in Hades before I ever even considered speaking to him again. Through my hysterical laughter I'd probably elaborate further by informing him that I was so sorry he couldn't find someone else to put up with his sorry ass. While wiping away my tears of laughter, I'd be inclined to make some wise crack about how his boys can't swim and how maybe he should consider a serious committed relationship with his hand. Then I'd kick him in the nuts and slam the door!
17. Ever watch the show "Gay, Straight, or Taken"? No, but I lived it. I think the verdict is still out on my ex-husband!
18. What are you wearing? I'm sitting here butt ass naked with the curtains wide open and some Indy-Rock music blaring in the background. I figured it would keep the Jehovah Witnesses from disturbing my Saturday!
19. How many drugs have you done in the past? Well, when I found out I was pregnant I decided it would be best if I hung up my crackpipe and overcame my heroine addiction. I can't really tell you how many drugs I've done in the past because frankly I was so high at the time off of anything I could find that I don't remember if my baby's father is the man I'm dating now or that punk rocker who passed through town a few months back.
20. Who was the last person you kissed? I kissed Daddy Dearest several times before I went to bedlast night. Prior to that there was the neighbor girl who just moved in next door and the hooker I hired the other night.
21. Where are you exactly? I'm currently sitting in my apartment, in the office/livingroom area, in a black office chair, with my feet kicked up on a storage box underneath the desk. My mind, however, is sitting on the beach in a lounge chair, wearing a string bikini, and drinking tropical mixtures from a coconut shell while a well-oiled cabana boy is fanning me with a palm leaf and a woman is painting my toenails.
22. Do you have any siblings? I get so tired of answering this question... I have 3 half-sisters, 2 half-brothers, 1 adopted brother, 1 step-brother, 1 step-sister, a couple of ex-step-siblings, 2 not-quite-step-brothers, 1 not-quite-foster-sister, 2 ex-brother-in-laws, 1 not-quite-sister-in-law, 1 not-quite-brother-in-law, and various other stray siblings that have passed through the family hedge over the years.
23. What does the 4th message in your text inbox say? "Oh yeah? Well I had a guy come to the door and proceeded to rub his nipples and say, 'Hey big boy, I heard it was free pizza night.' How could I resist?"
24. What did you do last night? Let's see, I listened to a man tell me about how I could make money as long as I had a pu$$y. Then I invited the pizza delivery guy over for a good time. Afterwards, I drove all over town pissed off because the local theater was supposed to have an awesome show, but one of the performers couldn't find his car keys and the whole thing was canceled.
25. What is in the trunk of your car? A jack, some blankets, a spare tire, my drug stash, two dead bodies, and a sawed off shotgun!

Now wasn't that entertaining. Let the fun begin. Some of them are 100% true. Some of them are 100% false. And still others have some truth but it's masked under a serious case of sarcasm. See if you can figure out fact from fiction! You don't have to decide on all them to play. I'd be satisfied with "I think that #24 is completely B.S." I'll straighten out the facts for any of them you get wrong! Have fun!