Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, March 1, 2007

See If This Is Blunt Enough For You

Here's a little story I wrote! See if you can fill in the blanks.

_____ and _____ didn't know what time _____ was going in for surgery. _____ and _____ didn't get told when they could visit. _____ and _____ figured someone would call them to let them know that _____ was okay. When _____ was out of surgery, neither _____ or _____ called _____ or _____. _____ called the hospital and finally got through to the room where she talked to _____ and found out that _____ was okay. _____ then called her brother and daughter to tell him that _____ was okay because they were worried also.

_____ sent a ballon to _____ after she got home from the hospital. _____ got the balloon because she sent a thank you back to _____.

_____ sent a package to _____ with some movies in it. _____ never got a thank you or phone call back. _____ doesn't know if the package got lost in the mail or whether _____ is just not talking to her.

_____ has had two dental surgeries and been very sick but _____ has not called to see how she is doing. The electricity was out all day at _____ and _____'s house due to a snow storm but _____ didn't bother to call and see if _____ was okay. Instead, ______ called me and asked me if I was snowed in.

_____ complained at a party about how _____ and _____ had not called her while she was in the hospital to see if she was okay. Either _____ is lying about this or _____ didn't tell her that _____ DID call and _____ was fighting a snow storm in _____ and couldn't call. _____ and _____ saw two relatives while shopping that day and did not bother to tell them that _____ was in the hospital.

I refuse to answer any phone calls from _____ until _____ decides that _____ and _____ are important enough to call.

Our little girl is due on _____ and we are going to name her _____. If the _____ family does not pull their _____s out of the _____es before she gets her, they will be reading about it in the local _____.

_____ might be mad that I'm being this way, but frankly I think this is all a bunch of _____ and I am not going to expose my _____ to it. I have spent too many years listening to _____ complain about the things that my _____ does or does not do and I will not have my daughter listening to the same stuff.

While it really doesn't bother _____ whether or not _____ is talking to her or not, it does bother me. I will not have people in my life who cannot be sociable with _____ and _____. You'd think that _____ would have figured out a long time ago that _____ and I are a package deal.

If you've lost _____'s phone number, I know for a fact that it is listed in the phone book. If you can't take the time to look up _____'s phone number and find out how _____ and _____ are doing than I suggest that you misplace my phone number as well. I will not be returning letters or phone calls until I am satisfied that this issue is resolved! I don't like playing this game, but I'm not the one who started it.

My only regret right now is that _____ is caught in the middle of this and he is probably oblivious to the _____ that is being pulled by _____! I love you all very dearly, but I love _____ MORE!!
GROW THE _____ UP!!!

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