Interview (okay, not really)

So yeah, I missed out on Tink's interview process but thankfully she had the foresite to post questions for all us slackers who didn't get there in time because we were busy doing various important things (like counting the glasses of water we drink so the doctor won't glare at me at my next visit on Monday... oh, the rest of the time was spent relieving myself of the previously-mentioned glasses of water!)

So here goes nothing!

• If you could swap lives with someone for a week, who would you choose?

Hmmm... that's a pretty tough one. I'm pretty happy being me and frankly other people kinda scare me. I have enough trouble sorting out my own insane thoughts (and I've had 27 years of practice at that) so I can't imagine trying to sort through the thoughts of someone else. However, given that I'm 8 months pregnant and SOOOO ready for this to be over with, I'm going to jump at the opportunity to make someone else do this for a week! The question is who?

Oooh!! I GOT IT!! My GRANDMOTHER!! For several reasons. One, I think I need a little more dirt on that woman -- an entire to week to sort through all of her short-comings so the whole family can have some ammunition by which to defend themselves from her unfounded accusations! Two, it might be fun to create a few crazy Grandma memories to mess with her brain when I finally give it back to her. Three, every pregnant woman should get a week to sit back, watch soap operas, gossip with the neighbors and generally enjoy the same life a retired Grandma has. And four, I believe it would be absolutely hilarious to rearrange her house, give away some of her stuff and confess her all lies. The fun would continue long after the swap as we all sit back and watch her try to figure out what the heck just happened!

This would only work for me if we could put my body in a coma of some sort and make her go to some "realm of limbo" though. Because I certainly don't want to give her a chance to screw up my world. Not to mention, her drinking would be bad for the baby!

• What's the worst nightmare you've ever had?

Oh goodness! Do you realize how messed up my dreams are? I have dreams so insane they don't even qualify as scary! While the makers of SAW and HOSTILE would love to get their hands on the material in my head, after 27 years, they hardly phase me!

We could go with the whole "Dead Bodies Everywhere" scenerio! Or how about "The Dog Strangled Mom" flick! There's always the fabulous, "Mom's Husband Went Psycho and Cut the Dog's Head Off!" but the fact the dog's head was still barking from the flower bed while its body ran around the yard kinda takes the edge off of that one. A personal fave was the "Giant Grizzly With Chainsaw Paws Kills my Uncle" And I'm certain that Jurassic Park may have inspired the "Holding the T-Rex's Baby Hostage to Save My Family" The list just goes on and on. The newest release in Psycho Dreams Theaters was the gruesome "Crazy Lady Ate Her Baby While Blondie's Head Was Smashed By a Giant Wrecking Ball!"

I could keep going, but I think I just heard a white van pull up outside. The men in the white coats have really awesome drugs, but honestly, the straight-jacket does nothing for my figure or my pale complexion. So I'm going to go hide in the pantry and hope they don't try to bribe me out with a cheeseburger. I fell for that one last week!

• Which is better, sweet or salty?

Hands down it has to be salty! I don't think I have a sweet bone in my body. While I do occasionally get a sweet tooth, I have a very simple cure for it. If you find yourself indulging on too many sweets simply develop a paranoid, completely irrational, and utterly terrifying fear of the DENTIST!!

At first, this will be of little help as most of us pay no attention to the fact sugary sweets rot our teeth. If you are blessed with extremely healthy teeth like mine, you ignor the fact all together. However, if you happen to have a filling that is almost 20-years-old, it will eventually prove effective. You see, I don't think fillings were meant to last 20-years. Especially when they were originally placed in the still-growing mouth of a child. My filling did not come with an expiration date posted on it, however, it has began to fail me in the past few years (much like my mind, after 27 years it's just "not all there").

And that is the cure for your sweet tooth. The minute you give in to the fabulously sinful triple fudge brownie, a single sugar molecule will lodge in the tiny crevice of your tooth sending mind-shattering sensations through each and every nerve ending in your brain! I believe this process takes a few tries because it has to precisely pinpoint the "sweet-tooth nerve" and kill it. But eventually, you will find you have absolutely no desire to eat anything that might remotely resemble sweetness. Of course, this will only work if you can convince yourself the pain a dentist can potentially inflict on your mouth is greater than the pain a grain of sugar inflicts. It takes great resolve, but it is possible to do.

I am fully aware the time will come that I will be in such extreme pain I regret this course of action. However, I strongly believe it will still take a strong tranquilizer and an anvil to the head before they get me into the dentists office. Since tranquilizers and anvils to the head are not recommended for pregnant women, I'm safe for another few months.

• What's the worst pick-up line you've ever heard of used?

The one that sticks in my mind is probably from High School. A cowboy asked this ditzy girl, "You 'un to?" In all seriousness, she looked up at him and said, "Nope, just want one!" Totally clueless!

I'm sure I've heard my fair share of lame pick-up lines, but I tend to let them just go in one ear and out the other. The worst probably referred to something sexual. Of course, we all know that nothing turns a girl on more than a guy who implies she might be easy by making some remark about "getting busy" with a perfect stranger.

• You're driving down the road when suddenly a neighbor you don't know and your beloved pet run into the road. You have to hit one. Which do you choose?

First let me point out we are talking about a person I don't know! Seriously! This person may have their mother locked up in some ramshackled retirement village while they spend her retirement checks. They might have fifteen dead hookers stashed in their basement freezer. They may know where are the neighborhood's missing children have gone. This is a total stranger who just happens to live near me!

My beloved pet, on the other hand, has devotedly been a loving companion. Okay, so he may have eaten a few pairs of shoes, or he might have messed on my Persian rug when he was little, but still, he's always there to great me with a wagging tail (or purring motor if you prefer a feline companion). My pet is always nice to my mother, the mailman, the local hookers, and the neighbor's kids. My pet hates the smell of my Grandmother, growls to scare away the squirrels that get too close to the picture window, and hides in the basement with me when it is stormy! My pet is much nicer than 90% of the humans you will meet on a daily basis!

Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind that I would swerve to miss my pet and plow over the strange neighbor without giving it a second thought! There was one final factor in this decision. My beloved pet has no way of fully understanding the dangers of crossing the street before looking both ways. My neighbor on the other hand is perfectly capable of noticing cars are big and metal while bodies are soft and smushy. I imagine my pet was probably happily confined to my house (or backyard) and is free to cross the street with the neighbor because this shady stranger tried to enter my home (or backyard) thus releasing my dear pet. My pet was simply in the process of making a "citizens arrest" of a local burglar! If the creepy neighbor hadn't been preoccupied with whatever mischief they were up to, they'd have remembered human bodies are squishy and stayed out from under my tires!

And here's how Tink says we should play this game...

Want to play? Leave a comment saying, "Interview me." I'll respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better. If I already know you well, expect the questions to be a little more intimate! Then you will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the post.

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Afterthought: Having just editted this for all my stupid clerical errors, I have learned just how ashamed my English professors would be. I seriously deleted 20 unnecessary cases of the word "that". Did you know THAT I never was too good at grammar? Why must I be so wordy? Seriously, there is a fine line between a "complex sentence" and a "run-on sentence" and I think THAT I tend to cross it from time to time.