Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Today's News

LONDON -- College applicants have been plagerizing their applications!

  • Hundreds of online entrance forms mentioned "burning a hole in pyjamas at age eight."
  • 370 Medical Course applications contained statements which began "a fascination for how the human body works".
  • 175 of them contained a story involving "an elderly or infirmed grandmother."

A study by the Universities and Colleges Admissions Service reviewed 50,000 personal statements and found that 5% of them were plagerized.

This hurts my head. I can understand why you might try to get away with plagerizing an essay or the answer to some lengthy question that you were just too lazy to research. But how sad is it that you cannot even take the time to write a brief statement about who you really are? Seriously, are you so ashamed of your life that you have to "steal" made up life-events?

MICHIGAN -- Dum Dum Dress

A high school girl has won top prize in an art contest for a dress made out of Dum Dum sucker wrappers. She got the idea after seeing clothing made from duct tape. The dress will go on to a competition in New York, before Spangler Candy Co. puts it in its museum.

Me no Dum Dum! You Dum Dum! Hi Dum Dum! Give me Gum Gum! Sorry, that's all I could think about. This giant Easter Island Statue from Night At the Museum.

WISCONSIN -- It's a Bomb Not a BONG!!

Man insists that item found in his bedroom is not a marijuana pipe. Instead, he insists that the item is actually a bomb!! He now faces 6 years in prison and a $10,000 fine!

This is my stupid criminal of the week. This is like telling the police that you actually swerved to hit the old lady crossing the street. Seriously! Hmmm... The cops are searching my apartment. Oh no! They just found a pipe bomb! Wouldn't you be like, "Yes sir officer, I hate to admit it, but I enjoy my 'Mary Jane'. I keep that little pipe around for just such an occasion!" I'm just thinking "possession of drug paraphanelia" or "building a frigging BOMB!". Seems obvious to me.

NORTH CAROLINA -- Beer Tossing Refrigerator!

College graduate, longing for his campus lifestyle, builds himself a refrigerator that will toss him a beer with the touch of a remote!

His Mom must be SOOO proud! Wouldn't this be great for those times when soemone really ticks you off? Just wait until the unsuspecting person walks in the line of fire and WHOP! "Sorry Charlie, forgot to tell you about the fridge! It doesn't like it when you BOO our team!"

1 comment:

Randomness said...

A 10-year old in Texas is being charged with a felony (which has since been dropped to a class A misdomenor) for not pulling the fire alarm, but for just removing the protective case then trying to put it back on. He is facing up to 1 year in Juvie. He was questioned for 4 hours at school by the cops without his parents, then his parents were called to pick him up in JAIL. He was then asked (still without his parents there) if he drunk, got high, had ever been raped by his dad etc. This pisses me off, he is 10, he made a small mistake and they are taking it this far!!! Honestly, if they pressed charges on everyone who pulled a false fire alarm, last year in our dorm alone there would have been 12 ppl. Leave a 10 year old alone and go get the real rapists, killers, child molestors etc. Stupid Texans.