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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Manhattan VS. North Platte

Okay, so I'll admit that there are times that I miss the place I grew up. I miss my family and some of my old friends. However, as many of them know, I wouldn't go back for anything. I don't like the people in that area. I generally dislike the environment of the area.

So lets do a little compare and contrast and see if I'm right or if I'm just being stubborn.
  • Population of North Platte: 24,324
  • Population of Manhattan: 49,462
And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that the bigger the city, the more problems it has and the more crime, drugs, and violence.

  • 93% of North Platte is Caucasian
  • 87% of Manhattan is Caucasian
And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that racial diversity leads to gangs, drugs, violence, crime, and inter-racial relationships!
  • 36% of North Platte's population is under 24
  • 55% of Manhattan's population is under 24

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that people under the age of 24 are frigging stupid and they do more drugs, commit more crimes and in general create more havock than older people.


  • Average temperatures in North Platte range from 10 - 89 degrees
  • Average temperatures in Manhattan range from 16 - 92 degrees
And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone know that hotter weather means fewer clothes and fewer clothes combined with younger people means more premarital sex (and drugs and crime!)
  • 10% of North Platte's population are below poverty level
  • 24% of Manhattan's population are below poverty level
And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that poorer people means more crime, drugs, and violence (and premarital sex!)

  • The average income of a man in North Platte is $36,445
  • The average income of a man in Manhattan is $31, 396
And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that men who make more money are clearly smarter and more well behaved than men who make less money.
  • The average income of a woman in North Platte is $20,157
  • The average income of a woman in Manhattan is $24,611

And the point goes to... North Platte because everyone knows that a woman should be home cleaning house and raising babies. That's what makes "perfect" families! Women who work obviously have no family values and are more likely to cheat on their partners and spread sexual diseases!


  • 16% of North Platte's population is over 65
  • 8% of Manhattan's population is over 65

And the point goes to... North Platte because Manhattan is clearly no place for your Grandma to live!


Clearly, North Platte has won the statistics hand down. Everything indicates that the bigger (more diverse) city of Manhattan is a horrible place to live. No doubt it is full of violent crime, drugs, and sexual misconduct!

So let's check the headlines to see what they have to say.

First, the horrible town of Manhattan:
  • Police Department Ponders Salary, Fuel Increases with Budget
  • City Seeks More Land To Make Water
  • Fort Gets Money For Some Projects
  • Insurance May Be Required To Own Dangerous Dogs
  • Riley County 4-H To Hold Club Day On Saturday
Now for the upstanding community of North Platte:
  • North Platte Woman Shoots Intruder Wednesday Morning
  • Electric Rates Going Up Due To Winter Storm
  • Theft Conviction No Big Deal When Hiring Computer Tech for Lincoln County
  • Father Accused Of Burning Daughter In Bathtub Pleads Not Guilty
  • Son in Father-Son Pot-Growing Due Pleads Not Guilty
  • Sex Offender Sentenced To Prison
Okay, well it's obvious to me that the media is clearly tainted on this subject. Local reporters must not know what they are talking about. No way that all this violence can take place in such a lovely small town like North Platte. Why is there no violence in Manhattan's news? Obviously, the media is covering up the truth in Manhattan. So let's check out the police blotter to get the real facts.

First the dirt on Manhattan:
  • Sunday - 4 probation violations; 1 suspended licence; 1 failure to appear; 1 DUI; 1 criminal damage to property; 1 theft; 1 aggrivated assault; and 1 criminal use of a weapon
  • Monday - 1 stolen credit card; 1 report of property damage; a stolen suitcase; a stolen purse; 2 arrests for burglary; 2 reports of sexual battery (in the workplace); 2 DUIs; 2 Disorderly conducts; 1 suspended licence; 2 failure to appears; 1 criminal trespassing; 2 burglary; 2 battery; and 1 unlawful posession of a depressant
  • Tuesday - 2 probation violations; 1 failure to appear; 1 DUI; 1 car accident; and 1 case of battery
  • Wednesday - 2 failure to appear; 1 DUI; 1 theft; and 1 stolen vehicle involved in a hit and run.
See, I knew Manhattan was horrible. Look at that! In four days there were 10 reports of theft, 4 cases of assault or battery, 6 probation violations, 6 failure to appears, and 5 DUI's! Not to mention there's a weapon charge and a drug charge in there!! I knew this was a bad place to send your daughters (or your grandma)!

I'm sure that North Platte has none of that crazy stuff going on. Surely the police in North Platte are spending their days saving little kittens from trees and rescuing small children from wells! Let's check it out!
  • Sunday - 3rd degree domestic assault, felony strangulation, and terroristic threats
  • Monday - 3rd degree assault; carrying a concealed weapon and unlawful posession of a weapon; uncontrollable juvenile male; MIP-A; speeding, no valid registration, suspended license, no proof of ownership, and no proof of insurance
  • Tuesday - Speeding; disturbing the peace; uncontrollable juvenile female; criminal mischief; 2 cases of loud music; stalking; 2 disturbance calls; 8 thefts; a report of fraud; 2 calls regarding animals; and a death by natural causes
  • Wednesday - 1 disturbance; and a homicide.
Clearly these are cases of over-exageration. There is just no way that such a small town could have more violent crimes reported. It simply has to be some clerical error. I don't care if North Platte was nicknamed "Little Chicago" in the 1930's, there is simply no way that the horrible city of Manhattan is better than North Platte. I move that all information obtained from the newspapers should be stricken from the record.

It is obvious to me that North Platte is clearly a much safer area to raise a family and I am a fool for wanting to live anywhere near the city of Manhattan. Clearly, I should have my head examined and move back to the quiet little towns I grew up in!

And if you believe that, I'd like to announce that I am a certified auto-mechanic and I'll give you an excellent rate the next time you vehicle breaks down. Just give me a call at 1-800-BS-AUTOS and I'll be glad to fix all your basic repairs for a fabulously low price!!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

uh you didn't have to go to all this work. I could have told you that North Platte SUCKS.. Not just sucks but sucks a big one....something about the gateway to hell...anyway it was still cute. mom mie