Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Check Mate

This conversation was brought to you by the word "ouch".

*after discussing whether to have an epidural or not*

Daddy: You know that pain is all in your head?
Me: You realize if you tell me that in the middle of labor I'll knock your head off?
T: *laughing*
Daddy: I wouldn't do that, but I'm telling you now.
Me: I realize that but I hope that you get a kidney stone someday!
T: My boss had a kidney stone. You could see the pain all over his face.
Me: I bet. Kidney stones are all sharp and spikey. OUCH!
Daddy: If I get a kidney stone, I'm going to the hospital and having them enduce a coma. Wake me when it's over and I won't feel any pain!
Me: But honey, the pain is all in your head!
T: *laughing* Check MATE!

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