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Thursday, May 17, 2007

Our First Night Without Daddy

WARNING: If you are offended by poop, urine, breasts, breastmilk, or babies you should skip this post!!

You know those boxes that they use when they're working with hazerdous materials? The ones that are completely enclosed with a little window and you reach inside with these heavy duty rubber gloves. If you happen to see one on a garage sale, please purchase it for me. I will gladly pay the shipping and handling to have it delivered to my apartment.

Why would I need such a drastic device?

Because I have recently given birth to a projectile pooping, geyser spraying, wiggling demon child!

That's right! My beautiful angel who looks as if she can do no wrong, is hiding her true demon heritage beneath that precious face.

Daddy left us to go back to work tonight. We sat down and had a nice meal before my little angel quietly fell asleep in my arms. About seven o'clock, she quietly awoke and whimpered to me that she was again hungry.

Prior to having a meal, I decided to change her diaper. I picked up her little feet and proceded to wipe her messy bottom with a wet wipe. Instantaneously, a stream of stinky projectile poop shot out and sprayed the diaper, the quilt, the towel that is soaking up my leaking problem, and my windpants. I quickly covered the offending area with the already dirty diaper and tried my best to wipe up the poop which had traveled about 18 inches before it was blocked by my body. No doubt, she had potential for a good 3-4 feet on that one!

Several spurts and much wiping later, I concluded that my little "Exorcist" was finally finished. I uncovered the area to assess the damage. While leaning over to reach a wet wipe, a 12-inch geyser of urine sprayed up covering both my arms, my hands, her body, her diaper, the quilt I was changing her on and the floor before I was able to slap the front of the diaper back down.

At this point, we (and everything in a 2 foot radius) are covered in either poop or urine. Having fully emptied all of her internal organs, my devil-spawn procedes to scream because she is hungry. It suddenly dawned on her that Mommie is taking way too long to change this diaper (can't imagine why?).

So here I am standing over a screaming, piss-covered child (who still has a dirty diaper). There is shit and piss on my floor. I'm drenched in urine, covered in poop, and my boobs are leaking all over me. I've got a wet wipe in one hand, and a poop covered towel in the other.

I dried off my hands, moved the baby, cleaned her up and slapped on a new diaper. I then placed the screaming child on the couch with her pacifier and informed her there was no way I was feeding her while I was still covered in shit and urine. I quickly dabbed laundry soap on the quilt while simutaneously spraying carpet cleaner on the floor. We then used a wet wipe to clean 1) a naked Mommie who has stripped off her nasty clothing 2) the pooped on quilt and 3) the urine covered carpeting. A quick trip to wash off my hands and milk covered chest!

With a sigh, I returned to a pissed off child (not crying, but fists clinched in rage) and satisfied her hunger demands before she convinced herself she would starve to death.

At that point, I realized a few things:

  1. My child is NOT an angel
  2. I still LOVE her
  3. I CAN do this! (How much worse can it get? Please don't tell me) AND
  4. I can't wait for DADDY to get home!

Oh, and we definately need to get one of those Hazerdous Materials boxes to change our daughter in.


On the BONUS side of things:

My neighbor brought me over a gift today. A scale (which Daddy had told her I wanted), some body wash, a travel kit of baby stuff, and a baby manicure set.

What did the scale say?


(down 29 pounds!)

That's only 9 pounds over my lowest weight!!

I'm stoked!!

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