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Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Have You Missed Me?

I know, here I go and curse Blogland with an anti-humor hex and then I just disappear for days on end. I've left you wondering if it was safe to laugh. Continuously looking over your shoulders afraid that I might sneak up and sneeze on you at the first sign of giggling.

MuuHAHAHAHA! Fear is the ultimate weapon of all successful dictators! Since my current goal in life is to rule mercilessly over all of Blogland, I consider my most recent endeavor, quite a success.

But just so you know, I didn't spend the entire time wringing my hands in pleasure and grinning like a maniac. If you are feeling at all jealous that I'm looking at a two-day work week (one of which is an entire day picnicing by the lake) please keep in mind that I would have traded your 60-hour work week for what I've gone through the last few days.

The recap:

Monday Afternoon: Schedule off work for my O/B visit. Why do I schedule a whole day off work for one 10-minute exam? Because NO ONE should have to do anything on a day that they know full well is going to SUCK BIG TIME! Seriously, how much would it suck to have a bad day at work, only to end the afternoon having their tonsils checked in all the WRONG WAYS!! So yes, instead of going on FULL MATERNITY LEAVE, I have limited my work week to a 4 day week by taking every Monday off.

So what about Monday? IT SUCKED! Poke. Prod. Nope. No luck. No progress. Not sure what position this kid is in. Let's do a scan. Exact words of doctor were "Let's go see if this little girl has the audacity to be heads up!" Thankfully, she's well behaved enough to be head down and ready to go. Unfortunately, she's in no hurry to do anything more than stand on her little head. Bad news is that doc doesn't expect her for another week or two. Good news is, Mommie will have that much longer to contemplate how long she should ground her for being stubborn and bull-headed!

Monday Evening: So, as you know, I spent the whole weekend fighting a head cold. Yes, I was miserable. Yes, I whined. Yes, I hate being sick. But thankfully, I'd gone all day Sunday without needing meds so I was pretty sure it was over and done with. That was until 7:00 Monday night. Oh, HAIL TO THE PORCELINE GODS!! Nothing like an evening prayer session to make you feel alive! No biggie though, it happens from time to time, especially towards the end of my colds. It's just a final purge on the road to recovery. Right? SO WRONG!!

  • 11:00 - Another worship session. Okay, so maybe I'm just drinking too much too fast. Let's try sipping the tea and relaxing.
  • 11:30 - HAIL POLCELINIUS FLUSHAMUNDUS!!! Well, that's definately no fun on an empty stomach. Lets try some hot tea to sooth the throat and maybe curb the coughing fits.
  • Midnight - *speaking in tongues* Okay, this is getting a bit ridiculous. I'm frigging thirsty! Could you maybe stop with the prayer-fest sometime soon!
  • 12:30 - Head spins around and spits pea soup everywhere! THAT'S IT! This is NOT New Mecca! We do no pray every 30 minutes! I am not calling a damn priest! Knock it off!
  • 1:00 - Cough. Choke. Gag. Purge. Cough. Fuck You! I hate you! I give up! Just kill me!
  • *fall asleep on couch until alarm goes off at 7:30 am*

Tuesday Morning:
  • 8:00 am - Call boss. "Hey J, I'm calling in DEAD! I'll make a doctor's appointment and let you know if she says I'm NOT DEAD!" - "Okay girl, let us know how you're doing. Take care!"
  • 8:30 am - Call doc. "Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for today to verify that I am DEAD!" - "What are your symptoms?" - "Well, let's see, I'm coughing, puking, running nose. All the basic symptoms of being DEAD!" - "Okay, we'll see you at 10:15!"
  • 10:15 am - Visit doc. "No, you are NOT DEAD! However, you're getting over a sinus cold, you have an ear infection, and you may have a stomach bug. Here's a prescription for your ear infection. Let me know if you still can't keep fluids down today. Keep track of your kick counts and call a doc if she stops moving." - *sigh* "Can't you just pronounce me DEAD?"
  • Pick up prescription, gatorade, 7-up, put gas in car, come home, email co-workers to let them know that sadly, I'm NOT DEAD! Curl up on couch, sleep until 4.
  • 6:00 pm - Let the coughing commence!!
  • 8:00 pm - Get my fix of HOUSE!
  • 9:00 pm - Go read a book
  • 10:00 pm - Try to fall asleep
  • 11:30 pm - Swear mad strings of profanity, broken only by coughing, as I storm outside to sit on front step. Coughing stops. Go back inside and curl up. Coughing starts.
  • Midnight - Daddy Dearest suggests Cloreseptic throat spray (not recommended for pregnant women) Stare long and hard at the bottle. Finally give in and spray throat. Okay. That is the coolest shit on the face of the Earth! It tastes like cherry flavored YARD ASS, but once your mouth and throat go numb you really don't mind at all.
  • Sleep until morning!

  • 7:45 am - Call boss and tell him I could really use another day off. "Okay girl, see you tomorrow!"
  • Immediately fall back to sleep until 1:30.

  • It's about 4:00. I've drank a bottle of Gatorade. I'm working on a 7-up. I've had a bagel with cheese. I can breathe. I'm only coughing once every 15-30 minutes. My stomach doesn't feel like it's sloshing with diesel fuel and week old yogurt. Baby hasn't been phased one bit. And really, my only complaint is that I think I could use one more nap.

So, I'm officially calling off my no-humor hex. You are free to post all of your hilariousness in it's fullest. However, do keep in mind that if I have a relapse and miss out on our Annual Class Picnic tomorrow, there will be HELL TO PAY! Seriously, I've already forfitted my trip to the Zoo for the sake of this child (I just don't understand why my co-workers would be nervous about dragging me on a 12-hour trip out of state, 3-hours from my doctor when I'm 3 days over-due! You'd think they were paranoid or something!). For those of you who believed that my hex was all smoke and mirrors, please keep this in mind. The one person who dared to slip up and make me laugh this weekend had a near "Death By Pop-Tart" experience!

Sorry if this post lacked the usual PIZZAZZ you have come to expect from me. If you actually paid attention to what you were reading, you know I haven't been at my best the last few days. Bear with me. We'll get things back on track. I just need some time to recouperate.


Anonymous said...



Ellie's Mommie said...

Hmm... well, she's supposed to kick 10 times in one hour... she accomplishes this feat in 10 minutes. She might just be a soccer player. Are you happy?

captain corky said...

My wife and I are expecting our first child in July, and I too have dreams of world domination. It seems that we have a lot in common Ellie's Mommie. I'm supprised you never made it over to the log. It's a wonderful place

Feel better.

Chris said...

Hope you are feeling better honey.

"cherry flavored yard ass" heh. heh.hehehe.

Anonymous said...

Are you still among the living?? You and Randomness, Chris and Cletus, all sick at the same time.. I'M BORED, DAMN I'M BORED..HAVE I TOLD YOU I'M BORED???