A Visit From the Home-Wrecker

Meet Leslie! When she first arrived at our campsite, we were more than happy to welcome her into our quaint family! One of my cousins found her hichhiking on the way to our gathering and invited her to come have a good time with the family. Being the hospitible bunch we are, we offered Leslie a beer and told her to make herself at home.

Leslie and my youngest sister quickly hit it of and began making quite a display of themselves at the community parade. Being a very open-minded group (and realizing that my sister is kinda nutty herself) we took this whole escapade with good humor.

However, things were about to take a turn for the worst. It seems that Leslie was out for a bit more than a cold beer and a few laughs. Just when we were starting to warm up to Leslie's quirky ways, we discovered her diabolical plan! Leslie was after the MEN!!

Her escapades began when she was found in a compromising pose with the husband of my cousin. Apparently, she asked him for a ride back from the parade and managed to convince him that this was the safest position for her to travel in.

A few firm words (and a couple of knots on the head) convinced him that Leslie had tricked him.

Her initial plan foiled, she quickly moved on to more helpless prey. That evening, Leslie was found sneaking into the tent of my unsuspecting uncle. Years of marriage and one too many drinks made him an easy target for her charms.

And only the best (a.k.a. drunkest) of friends would dare to help incriminate a man in such a way as this.

Of course, word travels fast in a small town and it wasn't long before my Aunt heard the news. Not one to sit idly by and let some roadside hussy steal her man, she quickly interviened!

The next day, having had her plans foiled once again, Leslie made a final attempt at yet another married man! However, she was not fully prepared for his resistance (a.k.a. fear of his wife).

By now, the women of the family had lost all sense of humor in this matter. It was apparent that something had to be done about this home-wrecking hussy! Scorned women throughout the campsite joined forces and sought to teach Leslie a lesson she would not soon forget!

The moral of the story is quite clear! We may be a bunch of Redneck drunks, but mess with our men and you will suffer the wrath!!

The Next Generation: Pinky

Meet "Pinky," the unsuspecting Redneck prodegy of the future! We have high hopes for this youngster. Already we are prepping her for a life as a deliquent!

We firmly believe that there is no better way of teaching a child, than good old fashioned experience. Of course we let her play in the street! We actually encourage her to "go chase headlights!" How else is the poor girl going to figure out how to dodge speeding cars as she outruns the police? It's an important life skill!

She'll definately thank us later in life when she has fully perfected the art of car-jacking! She's showing great promise in the area and we are all very proud! We hear there is good money in rims these days!

Of course, every child needs a backup career just in case they find they are not cut out for their chosen profession. Pinky is showing great promise in the art of "stalking." However, we realize that the simple act of stalking another individual is not exactly a profitable career choice.

Therefore, we encourage her to take it one step farther. KIDNAPPING!! Now there's where the real money is! A girl's gotta be able to provide for her family and who wouldn't get some satisfaction out of taking a few million dollars from those richy-smitchy snob-nosed aristocrats?

Of course, any good delinquent needs to learn the importance of a good "backup plan." You never know when the whole operation is going to go down the drain. Us poor Rednecks certainly can't afford to bail her out of jail. Therefore, we've been sure to instill in her the art of fleeing the scene of the crime!

And since you can only outrun the police on foot for so long, we've also taught her the importance of a good get-away vehicle.

That's right! Pinky has all the makings of an expert criminal! We have no doubt that she will someday make us all proud (and hopefully rich!). Of course, they may come a time when her only option is to RESIST ARREST!

Her next lesson will be in "pleading the fifth" and "the insanity plea." No doubt, one look at how we raised her and the judge will show pity on the poor girl!

A Brief Recap of 2005

We may be Redneck! We may do crazy things that will traumatize our children for the rest of our lives! We might even be the laughing stock of the whole community! However, when we set our minds to doing something, WE DO IT RIGHT!

We always make sure to include every member of the family in our escapades! Our pets are no exception! Our canine friends travel in style!

Redneck Pet Carrier

We take our drinking very seriously! And once again, if we set out to do something . . . WE DO IT RIGHT!! While some may see this as a dangerous fire hazard (especially around young children) we see it as a hands on learning experience! "Oh honey, fire is HOT! . . . told you so!" Please keep in mind that half of the local fire department and EMTs are usually present at this gathering. Clearly we have the best emergency care in the country! They're so good, we trust them to save our lives even when they're three sheets to the wind!

Redneck Fire Pit

As I said before, we are always sure to include our canine companions in our adventures!

It's Been a Long Weekend!

When you put this many drunk Rednecks together in one place in the heat of June, you best have some way to cool them off (or sober them up when required)!

Redneck Swimming Pool

And after a weekend like this, you can bet there will be some lasting mementos (not to mention scars).

Redneck Suncatcher

Thus ends the 2005 Redneck Campout! Injuries were kept to a minimum, fatalities were quickly covered up, evidence was disposed of, local authorities recieved well deserved raises, and everyone left with a few less brain cells than they arrived with.

Happy Camping!!

Message to My Mother's Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,

I have to tell you that your sheep have been very baa-a-a-ad!

Once again they have broke through the fence and are eating my ha-a-a-y baa-a-a-ails!

This is begi-i-i-nning to irritate me!

It's very important that your sheep start beha-a-a-ving be-e-e-etter!

I used my baa-a-a-at to herd your sheep into my baa-a-a-arn!

I am in the processes of bui-i-i-ilding a sign advertising lambchops for sale!

If I haven't heard baa-a-a-ack from you by the time I finish, I will start bee-e-e-eating in little sheep bra-a-a-ains one by one!

I've always tried to be-e-e a good neighbor, but I'm getting fed up!

I'm no longer going to be-e-e-eg you to keep your sheep at home!

From now on I will simply bre-e-e-eak out the shotgun and open fire!

Get your bi-i-i-ig butt over here and get your sheep before I make them blee-ee-ee-eed!

Sincerely,

The Bi-i-i-itch Next Door

Slacking off again!

Okay... so I'm frigging LAZY!!

KNOW WHY?

Because I have a friggin parasitic demon child sucking out every last shred of SANITY & AMBITION!!

• I don't even have the energy to go leave a Death Threat for Karla (let me tell you, it greatly disturbs me that I've slacked off to this extent, because normally I would jump at an open invitation like this!)
• I certainly haven't had the energy to build something as spectacular as the Great Wall of Judy! (I might be able to point and say, "you should put that over there!")
• I would have fallen dead on my feet if I was running Mole's Deli Relay (can you say, "Desk job is kicking my butt these days"?)

Are there any other things I've slacked off on this week?

OF COURSE!

• I haven't checked my fellow bloggers!
• I haven't added a certain blogger to my list (though subconsciously this could be on purpose!)
• I haven't done laundry.
• I haven't cleaned house.
• AND
• I've rarely taken the time to put on CLOTHES! (be jealous... or SCARED!)

So what have I found the time to do?

• I took a fabulous nap on Monday.
• I purchased some cheap Easter gifts for my neighbor's kids.
• I watched HOUSE.
• I rented three movies to keep me entertained for the week.
• I watched Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth" with Daddy Dearest.
• I came to terms with the fact that I spent $2.99 renting a movie I had already seen but forgot!
• I took another nap tonight.
• I talked to my Mom & Mole.
• I walked across my livingroom a couple of times!
• And I manage to drag my fat-happy ass to work every morning on time!

SO... If you're disappointed in my total lack of ambition...

I don't give a sheep's TURD whether "I complete you" or not. I'M TIRED!!!

But I will say this...

"You COMPLETE Me!"

That's right! I said it! You get me through my day!

YOU COMPLETE ME!!!

Keep making me laugh! (It wears me out so I can catch some healthy shut-eye!)

Broken Bow Fire!

Tragic Fire

burns businesses on the south side of Broken Bow's town square.

The fire started the evening of April 1st and burnt through well into the next afternoon.

you can read more about this tragic fire at SandhillsExpress.com (more photos in the gallery) or at NTV(abc)News.

August 2006 - Ever have one of those months where you aren't really sure where it started and where it ended? Let's just say this was one of those months. Between working two jobs and getting everything together for the start of yet another school year, some things just slipped through the cracks. One of those things was a pretty little pink pill. What can I say? When you work some days, some afternoons, and weekend nights, everything gets all messed up. So yes, that little pink pill slipped through the cracks and you can guess what else slipped through the cracks.

September 2006 - Two pink lines!! You have got to be kidding me? I've lost my mind! Now here I am searching through the phone book for the number to a good psychiatrist because there is no doubt that I have lost my last shred of sanity. It's simply the only explanation for this halucination! Yeah, two pink lines! That's a heck of a way to start out the month!

The 5th of the month revealed that I had in fact NOT lost my sanity. There really WERE two pink lines on that stick! Daddy Dearest took the news with all the grace of any shocked first-time Daddy-to-be.

The 18th through the 28th proved to be quite stressful, but two sonograms proved that it was just our little one starving for a little extra attention.

No doubt we can expect this one to be quite a handful.

October 2006 - Guess it's about time we make the big announcement to the extended family. A birthday party, and a trip to Nebraska should do the trick. Grandpa Cletus bought "peanut" a new car. Yes, it's Peanut's car! Mommie Dearest just gets to borrow it for the next umpteen years because babies should definately NOT be driving before they are even born.

November 2006 - Our first prenatal appointment reveals that this child is not going to just sit back and behave for nine months. Our nurse found no heartbeat with the dopler and had to send us to the sonotech for yet another sonogram. Within seconds, it was quite clear that our little one was just being a turkey. Wiggling all over the place, the sonotech could hardly get a read on the heartbeat. She could see it, but our baby was not about to hold still long enough for her to hear it.

December 2006 - We had our 20-week sonogram on the 22nd. It's a GIRL!!! Of course since Granny didn't have to wait to hear the news about the pregnancy, we figured we'd make her wait in suspense about the sex of the baby. Mommie lied and told her the sonotech went on an early vacation. Then we surprised her with a card revealing the baby would be a girl! The holidays brought with them all the "joys" of being fat and pregnant! Nothing will sap the holiday spirit out of you like driving 10 hours and celebrating 4 Christmas parties in 48 hours. Bah humbug!

January 2007 - Two words! STREP THROAT! 6 weeks of strep throat and 2 full prescriptions of antibiotics later, we finally made it through the month with a clean bill of health. On the bright side, Daddy Dearest took Mommie out for dinner and a movie. He even bought me a virgin pina-colada to quench the insane craving I'd been having since September.

February 2007 - How can the shortest month of the year drag out for so long? Snow, ice, irritable hormone syndrome, you name it! It was a very dull month, but Daddy Dearest did take me out for Valentine's Day. Guess he just might live to see our daughter in May! I beginning to resemble a whale more and more each day. Oh, did I mention that my new haircut is driving me nuts? I cut it all off thinking it would be easier to manage in the months ahead. Boy was I wrong! Every morning I have to soak it and gel it and style it. Let me tell you, this so wasn't what I had planned on!

March 2007 - What a month. Daddy turned 22 and went out with his buddy. Mommie showed up at one of Daddy's poker games to announce to all of our friends the news. We've slipped into having doctor's appointments every two weeks now. Our last appointment of the month revealed a high blood pressure and protein issues, so Mommie had to spend a whole day off work collecting samples for the lab. It all turned out to be no big deal and we're 6 weeks from meeting our little girl. We also finished our birthing classes this month and set up part of the nursery area.

April 2007 - Coming Soon!

May 2007 - Estimated Due Date is May 10th!! Which actually means that this little turkey could get here anywhere between April 26th and May 24th. I told you it was an estimate!

So... I figure I'll introduce a few "key" members in my life. Keep in mind that some of these individuals are WAY more important than others. With every good thing in life, there has to be some crap you have to trip over from time to time. Listing them here doesn't really make them special, it just means they won't choke on their own tongues and die horrible, agonizing deaths.

Me - Yep, I'm the Mommie! A 27-year-old crazy pregnant chick who doesn't always think straight!

Baby Ellie - This little bundle of joy (a.k.a. evil spawn) that I've been carrying around like a giant basketball for the past 8 months. Her Daddy & I are absolutely thrilled and can't wait to meet her in May!

Daddy Dearest - My partner in "sin" and a fabulous man who tolerates way more than any man should have to. Though he has moments when his brain completely slips, we must credit him for the hormones (both pregnancy & normal) he puts up with from me.

Grandpa Cletus - My mother's partner in "sin" (a.k.a. Dad or Sick Bastard!) For a sick old fart he's a pretty decent guy. That doesn't mean that Mom & I can't harass the shit out of him and vent about his stubborn old ways from time to time. It took Mom a while, but she finally found a keeper.

Granny Goddess - My blogger mother. The only one I've got. She tried to find me new Mommies because I complained so much, but it seems that no one else was willing to put up with my shit! So I guess we're stuck with each other. That's okay though, we make a pretty good pair (as long as there's an escape hatch in the room!)

DNA Provider - (a.k.a. Sperm Donor, Worthless POS, etc.) So a little over 27 years ago, my Mother picked out a fabulous genetic provider for her future child (Me!). However, it was no big surprise when he turned out to be a worthless father. We still keep him around for an extra paycheck from time to time and the fact that he's spawned (or adopted) six of my siblings. Other than that, we could really care less about him.

Cousin Mole - Blogger Mole is actually new. Well, she's not new, but the name is. It just sort of stuck though. Anyway, this is my partner in crime through most of my childhood. Basically because we both spent our early years being raised by one parent and we both terrorized our grandparents at every possible opportunity. So Mole and I are close. It's scary though because no matter how hard the two of us try to overcome the short-comings of our family tree, we still seem to find that we think a lot alike. There is no doubt we are related (despite our best efforts).

Hagatha - This is the name that has been given to the ever present "bitch-aspect" of my Grandmother. Yes, the woman has an occasional moment when she is close to human, but Hagatha is the prevailing influence. We all love her, but sometimes we really can't stand her!

Worthless Ex - I truely dread giving this waste of oxygen space on my site, but considering he just won't die, I really have no choice. This is the Prince of Idiots which I mistakenly married prior to learning about his royal heritage! We are all glad to be rid of him, but sadly, he still surfaces from time to time in the form of some rant about how he still manages to mess up my life.

Okay, so since I can't really tell you which posts are the most popular, this is actually a list of my personal favorites. If more people would leave comments on posts they enjoy, I'd be able to do the "popular" thing. But since my readers seem to be pretty shy, I'll just have to pick what I like!

Family Trees & Long Division

A rambling about how hard it is to sort through your family tree when it has become more of a "hedge".

How Do You Spell That Again?

I short explanation about how hard it is for me to spell a certain word.

How Much Do You Recall?

Okay, so I'm not really a church-goer, so if you're easily offended on that matter, you might want to avoid this one!

How Much is That Playhouse in the Backyard?

Rich people spoil the sh!t out of their kids. It's simply unbelievable and I am so jealous!

Manhattan vs. North Platte

And you wonder why I don't move back home!

Me and My Pointy Stick

Adventures of a rancher's daughter!

People Scare the Sh!t Out of Me

This is the creepiest thing I've ever seen.

The Saga of a Sperm Donor

The "tragic" tale of my DNA provider and how hard life has been on him.

Six Ridiculous Baby Products

Six products to indulge the ridiculously obsessive (or oblivious) mothers.

The Tragic Fate of Wiley

A humorous story about a sad little coyote that continues to make me giggle.

What Not To Eat

Pretty self-explanitory. (Inspired by Karla)

While We're Talking About Commercials

Daddy Dearest had an awesome idea for a bra commercial.

Wonder Maxi To the Rescue

Yeah, the StayFree commercial really freaked me out. Give me something realistic please!

Yep... It'll Suck!!

What I learned in our birthing classes can pretty much be summed up with the title of this one!

• I have 27 years of insanity under my belt
• I like most animals better than most people
• Daddy Dearest & I live together in "sin"
• We're expecting our first "love-child" in May
• She already has her own car, but I'm borrowing it!
• My DNA provider is the scum of the Earth
• I adore both of my parents
• I'm still just a country-girl at heart
• That doesn't keep me from rocking out!
• I have a long fuse, but a nuclear temper!
• I can read something 15 times and still miss my typos
• I totally abuse the word "that"
• My English teachers would be so ashamed
• I'm very crafty, put I seldom finish projects
• I suffer from kitchenphobiaitis!
• Crowded places make me nervous
• I'm terrified of dentists
• I'm horribly indecisive on most things
• I love the outdoors, but hate bugs and weather
• I kill houseplants if I look at them
• Some people think I'm strange
• I don't keep secrets about myself
• I got my mother and cousin addicted to blogging
• I have a sock fetish
• I love fresh flowers of all sorts
• I'm an only child
• BUT
• I have 3 half-sisters, 2 half-brothers, 1 adopted half-brother
• 1 not-really-foster-sister
• 1 step-brother & 3 ex-step-siblings
• 2 not-quite-step-brothers
• 2 ex-brother-in-laws
• 1 not-really-brother-in-law & 1 not-really-sister-in-law
• AND
• several "adopted" stray siblings
• I can sing, but I can't dance
• I'm extremely shy, but I talk too much
• I thrive on sarcasm
• I despise drama
• I make compulsive lists about nothing

Funniest People in March!

The month of March has finally passed us by leaving us with many good laughs, some whacky weather, and an ever enlarging baby belly!

The votes have been tallied (those would be my votes, you have no say in it!) and the results are in. It's time to announce this months funniest bloggers.

Please keep in mind that in this competition QUANTITY COUNTS! It's tragically biased to those who post most frequently because well, the more you post, the more chances you have to make me laugh!

For that reason, we're going to start out with my Honorable Mention for the month of March!

Karlababble - While Karla continues to make me laugh harder with every post, her busy life keeps her from posting daily like some of my other laugh-bringers. Taking her busy life into consideration, I do believe her side-splitting sense of humor needs to be recognized.

Yes, I know, the awards are cheesy looking! Gimme a break! See the header? I wasted all my artistic abilities creating that yesterday. My artsy-fartsy brain cells need a breather!

------~*~------

Next up . . .

We have an unbelievable tie for

THIRD PLACE!!!

Looky Daddy - Throughout the many "joys" of pregnancy, The Dad never ceases to make me thankful that there is just ONE little girl in here!

Rockstar Mommy - Despite going through a pretty rough week this month (we're all entitled to them!) she still managed to keep the laughs coming.

Suburban Turmoil - Not only did Lindsey keep me laughing, she managed to do so while giving birth to a 10 pound baby & suffering through breastfeeding!!

This medal has no reason to be so sad. All three of these sites are excellent!

------~*~------

In SECOND PLACE

(missing out by a single laugh-vote) we have the ever faboulous . . .

Pickled Beef!! - I think it's the random conversations that really get me! Tink is a riot and I hope that case of Dogitis clears up real soon!

What can I say? You missed out by ONE laugh! Okay, so it's probably my fault because I hormonally challenged these days. You were probably absolutely hilarious one day and I just didn't have a sense of humor! Congrats anyway!!

------~*~------

And finally . . .

DRUM ROLL PLEASE!!

In the fabulous FIRST PLACE position we have . . .

Dad Gone Mad!!! - You know what did it for him? The sound of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir spontaneously combusting! I couldn't help it! It was too much for me to handle, and the reason I can laugh at that is because I still have 4 years before I have to throw THAT birthday party!

Congratulations! No tears now! I know this award must mean so much to you! Try to hold yourself together though!

I know you are all just pretty overwhelmed by these fabulous awards, but try not to get too excited and pee your pants! Seriously, if I had a decent photo program around here, I'd do much better, but these days my digital artistic abilities are limited to the confines of a paint program & a less than ideal photo editor. Why? Because when my hard-drive crashed 6 months ago, I lost my copy of Ulead Photo. Since I am totally lost without it (and my mother can't figure out where it came from) my digital projects have all been put on hold!

Anyway, KUDOS to all of you & keep the laughs coming for me!! Life is way too short to take it seriously!

Please Wash Your Hands!

Like a little bathroom humor? We've got it all right here! From baby poop to frightening toilets, we relish in spreading the joys and horrors of restroom ramblings!

Please Flush When You Are Done!

Karla's toilet humor:

• Dear Reckless Urinator
• Defying Gravity
• Public Restrooms and Lunch?
• Stinky Baby Poop

Letters to the Editor

Every wanted to write a letter to that random jerk that cut you off on the freeway?

Here's the place to do it!

At the Blogville Daily Gazette we have no stipulations on what our Letter to the Editor might say. You can implicate anyone you feel like. You can say anything you want. We are so dedicated to voicing your distaste and resentment that we will publish any remark you feel fit! There are only two requirements:

1. It must begin, "Dear (whoever you feel like)"
2. You must sign it with a name. Doesn't have to be YOUR name. Just a name to link back to.

All letters will be posted in a timely manner (a.k.a. when I have TIME).

Karla's letters:

• Dear Reckless Urinator
• Dear Jake
• Dear Jackass 1
• Dear Jackass 2
• Dear Jackass 3
• Dear Jackass 4
• Dear Jackass 5
• Dear Jackass 6
• Dear Jackass 7
• Dear Jackass 8
• Dear Jackass 9
• Dear Jackass 10
• Dear Jackass 11
• Dear Jackass 12
• Dear Jackass 13

F.U.C.K.

Are you a victim of the public education system? Are you fed up with teachers, secretaries, principals and other employees of a school? Join the club!

Here at

The Federal University of Corrupting Kids (F.U.C.K.)

we strive to point out the short-comings of your children and you as parents.

Dawn's saga of school secretaries:

• Revenge of the Girls We Never Liked In School
• Are You a Frustrated Power Hungry Bitch?
• By Parents, We Specifically Mean YOU!

Martinis and Jello Shots

If you can't get enough of alcohol-induced humor, you've come to the right place. From posts about alcohol-related recreation, to the drunken stammerings of the inebriated, we're all about alcohol!

Welcome to . . .

The Tavern of Hysteria

Dawn's Drunken Adventures

• All Good Things Come From Rum
• Dear Santa, Have Some Whiskey
• Don't Drink and Blog
• Drunkin' Pumpkin Hayrides
• Mixed Drinks and Disney Land
• Picture a Good Night
• Sangria and the Icecream Man

Karla's Drunken Adventures

• Can't An Alcoholic Get a Nap Anymore?
• Don't Lose Track of Your Wooden Leg
• It's a Bad Idea To Sleep In a Ditch
• Never Sit On a Bleeding Man's Shoulders

That Crazy Cat

Are you a cat lover? A feline fanatic? Do you love their total independance and smug reaction to mankind? Then I have some posts for you!

Brought to you by the fabulous blogger Dawn, I now present . . .

The Saga of the Nameless Cat!

January '07

• And This Round Goes To . . .

February '07

• Get Out of My Face
• I Hate You
• Further Cruelty

March '07

• Revenge