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Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Sorry I've been slacking so much on this blog lately.

It's just that satisfying the whole damn football team is very demanding when you have a newborn at home. On top of all that, there's a long list of paternity tests to run to find out which of those uniformed "hunks" is Ellie's daddy. I'm hoping it's that hunky linebacker with the deep blue eyes, but as long as it's not the same one that knocked up Chris, I'll be okay.

So, I'm only one girl and the blog kinda gets put on the back burner because I just can't do everyone... I mean EVERYTHING!

When I'm not auditioning to be the next Playboy Bunny, I'm trying to keep this apartment (and the people who live in it) somewhat sane (I use that term lightly). Unfortunately, since I was certain my latest photo-shoot was going to pay off, I kinda let things slack off around here. Now I have kitchen kooties running rampid in my house. There will be some definate extermination going on soon.

I was finally able to convince one of the football players that Ellie was his daughter, so last night he watched her & cleaned up some of the trash around this place. I figure if I convince a different one of his teammates every week, I'll have free housekeeping through the summer.

Anyway, Chris seems to be down in the dumps lately (still waiting on her VD test results after she heard about her post-game celebration in the boys locker room) so I thought I'd pay one of the underclassmen to write "Chris didn't do it" on the football field in diesel fuel. That oughta cheer her up.

Other than that, there's really nothing new around here.

OH! Yes there is! I've officially renounced my religious beliefs. What tragic event would make me do such a horrible thing? I watched Comedy Central the other night!!

WARNING! The following material may be offensive to those with strong religious beliefs and frankly I don't care because I'm warning you in advanced. If you keep reading past this point, you revoke all right to be pissed off about anything you read. If you do choose to complain, I will only point and laugh at you like I do my own family when they start ranting about something ridiculously stupid.

Those who know me well are aware that I have no problem with your invisible man in the sky. I have no problem if you go out every third Tuesday and worship UFO's. I don't care if you dance naked around an old oak tree during the full moon. I'm okay if you get you religious teachings from the wise words of Mother Goose. I'm perfectly content with my spiritual beliefs and so long as your beliefs let you sleep well at night, I'm perfectly content with yours as well (unless you bring your beliefs over to my house and let them shit on my front lawn. In which case I'm likely to kick you and your beliefs so hard the Pope will feel it).

That being said, Comedy Central has changed it all for me!

There I was sitting on my couch contemplating how Mary Poppins is the Anti-Christ when comedian Dane Cook starts talking about his encounter with an atheist. It was this little skit that totally took all of the enjoyment out of the theory of reincarnation. Just my luck, things would happen exactly as Dane describes. I'd come back as a beautiful tree in a peaceful forest. There I'd be happily enjoying my breezy treeness when some ugly, sweaty jackass would stroll up to me with a frigging axe. He'd chop me down, drag me off through the mud, take me to the mill where they'd cut me up to make paper. There is no frigging way I'm spending my next life as the HOLY BIBLE!! Just dig a whole and feed me to the worms please!!

And now, just to test the true loyalties of my visitors, I'm going to post a picture I took a while back. Yes, it is a real book. It is really in my house. And no, I am not in the least bit offended by the fact that this book is in my house (However, you might be!)

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I warned you!

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I completely understand at this point if you feel the need to never visit my site again. In fact, if the thought crossed your mind, I highly suggest that you follow those instincts because you are obviously way too uptight for me to handle. So GET OUT!!

And if you are the type that feels a desperate need to pray for my immortal (and obviously misguided) soul... please save it for someone who wants your saving. I personally believe that all the people I like will end up "down under" and frankly, I'd be miserable in a place where everyone was happy and make-me-want-to-puke cheerful!

As for the rest of you... did you notice that every third letter spells out "LIE"? Hmmm... very interesting! But like I said, you could take your "teachings" from Mother Goose's Nursery Rhymes for all I care. So long as we can agree to disagree... we can be friends.

That says a heck of a lot considering I'm not even "friends" with half of my relatives.

You must be special!

Gotta go now! I hear the boys are a little down in the dumps over their last game, so I'm sneaking out of study hall to have some fun in the janitor's closet. If you see him headed back there, do me a favor and tell him the toilet in the girl's bathroom is overflowing. That should buy me enough time. Thanks a bunch!


Anonymous said...

OMG I really did roll on the floor laughing my fucking ass off. I hope the rest of those wankers have as much fun with it as you did.

I'm glad you've figured out a way to make the best of not knowing which football player is Ellie's real Dad. If you bring a different one home every time, won't be long and we can have this farm in ship top shape.

love Mom Mie

can't wait for you to get here.

Chris said...

"dance naked around an old oak tree during the full moon. I'm okay if you get you religious teachings from the wise words of Mother Goose."

"kitchen cooties"
"Chris didn't do it" on the football field in diesel fuel."

omg! that was the funniest shit i've read in days. If you were here I'd give you a big ol smooch for making me laugh so hard. AND for defending my honor.

*sniff* damn that's touching

I'm off to write Mr. Hugh Pl@yboy Heffner a nasty letter for that photo shoot not paying off.

Ellie's Mommie said...

Old Woman: What can I say? I've learned to make the best out of the worst situations. I'd hate to have questionable paternity tests going to waste.

Chris: Glad I could cheer you up a bit. I was a bit worried that my religious rants may have gone too far, but I figure I want people to like me for who I really am, not some fake-ass Barbie wannabe I pretend to be. The Mother Goose comment happened to be my favorite.

Anonymous said...

I can not believe we are family. I'm so calm, cool collected and you people are just damn FREAKS..