Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Brighter Side

On the brighter side of things (scroll down to next post if you've missed the Dark Side!)

I do have some good people in my family. (Okay, so Sainthood is probably not in any of their futures, but as far as I know they haven't drown any kittens in the past few days!)

I have an Aunt & Uncle who go out of their way to visit my family whenever we make the trip to my parents. They have 3 wonderful kids who try to come with them when their schedules work out.

I have one cousin who forgives all of us "misfits" who don't want to put up with the B.S. anymore. She's torn between the family because her parents are on one side of the fence. But she listens to us VENT and is overall the perfect (She's pretty, smart, a great girl, a hard-worker, and a wonderful Mom... makes me want to FUCKING puke on her) person.

I have an adopted cousin who tries to stay out of it all.

I have an Aunt (actually Mom's cousin) who finds the whole thing hilarious and listens to us complain if only for her own sick amusement. But we love her for it.

I have another Aunt (actually Mom's aunt) and her family. All of whom are pretty decent people. They certainly don't deserve a lot of the shit they have to put up with. And life has dealth them a pretty crappy hand these days. But overall, I've got nothing against any of them.

I've got a great-uncle who sees everything and says nothing. He's great with all of the children and loves us all even though we're certifiably insane.

And I imagine there are a handful of other lunatics out there who are semi-tolerable as relatives.

So, here's my family roster and where they rank on MY family Christmas list:

  • Level 1 - I have your address, email, phone number and/or cell phone easily at hand and I am willing to use it without cringing in horror at the thought: Mom and Dad; Uncle M & Aunt C; 4 cousins + spouses & kids; 2 half-sisters; 1 niece; 1 nephew; Dad's youngest son, his wife & their boys; Brother-in-law, his wife, & their boys.
  • Level 2 - I know you, you know me, we like each other and as a result we've agreed to not do anything to intentionally piss each other off: Neutral relatives; Adopted brother; Mrs. A & her hubby; Mrs. B & kids; a handful of co-workers; the In-Laws.
  • Level 3 - I know you and I promise not to run you over if you're crossing the street in front of my car: Adopted family members; neighbors; illegitimate and unfamiliar siblings
  • Level 4 - I would seriously consider pissing on your face is it was on fire: 1 cousin & her husband; 2 Uncles & their wives
  • Level 5 - I wouldn't hire a serial killer to hunt you down: Biological father's family
  • Level 6 - You make it easy to understand why a woman would drive hundreds of miles in a diaper to get revenge on someone: Grandparents & Biological father

So, if you're reading this and you wish that you were listed on a higher level that you currently are, than I suggest that you pull your head out of your ass and get your priorities straight.

Congrats to all the people in the top two levels. If you feel that you might be unfairly lumped into one of the lower groups. Feel free to contact me on the matter and I'll be happy to A) clarify whether you were unfairly stereotyped and should have been listed elsewhere, or B) give you a good ass-chewing if I feel that you are in desperate need of it.

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