Hello and welcome to the MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE.

If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want. Stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer you.

If you are dislexic, press 69696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Monday, February 25, 2008

For Sunshine (and anyone else who finds a need for such a letter)

Here's your general letter of hatred to send out to all of the family members who have made you wish you were adopted or disowned. Simply choose one (or more) of the phrases in parenthesis to copy into the letter format:

Dear (worthless DNA sample/pathetic excuse for a parent/inconsiderate pompous-assed relative/person who makes me understand why animals eat their young),

After (carefully assessing your inconsiderate actions/years of overlooking your abusive behavior/desperately searching for my real relatives/pouring brake fluid over the paint on your Mercedes), I have decided (you are no worth my precious time/your insecurity is paled only by your stupidity/to put myself up for adoption on Ebay/I will be running off to join the circus). I'm tired of (being your personal crutch to lean on/playing the family scapegoat/swallowing your shit politely/paying the therapist to fix the damage you've done). From now on I plan to (lie about where I come from/make your life as miserable as you've made mine/run and scream frantically if I see you in public/give my therapist your credit card number). Maybe someday you will be able to look at this and realize (you were never meant to reproduce/you really need to pull your head out of your ass and catch a little fresh air/this world does not revolve around your fat ass/you really shouldn't eat yellow snow).

I know you are thinking that (I will regret this someday/I will get over this mad spell/this really doesn't change anything/now you can spend all the money you were going to leave me), but the truth is (I feel better than I ever did/I'm not willing to waste my time staying mad at you/someday you will pay for what you've done to me/I still get to pick your carehome someday). Now that I have found (a life without your negativity/someone to take your place/the key to your backdoor/the money you were hiding under the mattress) I will not be bothered by (your endless whining and bickering/your deathbed confessions/army of narrow-minded minnons who try to bully people/the voices in my head).

In the future, if you feel the need to (torture me for your own sick amusement/bad-mouth me to everyone you know/clear your conscience/eat cheetos in your underwear) please be aware that (I will not hesitate to run you over with my vehicle/I'm willing to publish all our secrets in the local paper/I will not be accepting letters or phone calls from you/I have plenty of blackmail photos).

All I'm asking is for you to (stay the hell out of my life/stop spreading rumors and lies about me/treat me with at least the same respect you treat the dog/drop dead in the near future). I don't think that is too much to ask.

If for some reason you (cannot give me my space/must do something to cause discontent in my life/feel the need to ruin the lives of those around you/decide to act like a civilized human being) please keep in mind that I (carry a loaded weapon/know which foods you are allergic to/am willing to send detailed letters to the whole family/might suffer from a sudden case of amnesia, causing me to forget you are related to me). I really do not care if you (fall off the face of the earth/get your feelings hurt over this/drag the whole family into this matter/pass out drunk on the front lawn naked) because I know that I (have every right to a peaceful life/do not need hypocrites like you in my life/don't even like half of the people you talk to/know enough of your dark secrets to embarass the whole family).

From now on I will do my best not to (bombard you with insults and threats/hire a sociopath to hunt you down/dump itch powder in your underwear/accidentally light your house on fire). I feel that this is in the best interest of (both of us/our family and friends/nuclear treaties/the little people in my head).

Sincerely yours,
(the half-drunk seed of your loins who is trying desperately to erase their childhood/the relative that you would love to sweep under the rug/the bastard child that simply wants to make your life as miserable as you made mine/the person who watches you through the scope of a sniper rifle every night)

This letter should be sufficient for almost everyone's needs, however, in the event that you are in desperate need of a letter for a more specific situation, I will be happy to do my part. Please keep in mind that letter to family members are not guaranteed in any way to get people to realize what is going on. Some family members are simply too stupid to understand even the simplest explanation. Also, do to the high demand for letters in my own life, I cannot guarantee a timeframe for individual letters. While I will try very hard to complete your letters before the response time frame has passed, there may be cases that I simply an unable to do that. Since this is not a paid service, I will not be held responsible for reconsiliations that might occur during that time, hence I am also not responsible for future physical or emotional damage due to such a reconsiliation.


Sunshine said...

OMG! Hurry! Copyright that sucker, you may be in high demand.
Have you ever considered a career in foreign relations, perhaps you could solve problems more effectively than current world leaders!

I'm linking this sucker for the whole internet to see later this week. Now I have to make my selections and fill in the blanks to send it off to my mother.

Excellent work, A++++!

emily said...

That is hilarious! Nicely done.

CelticBuffy said...

OMG! You hit it exactly on the money for what I need! I laughed so hard considering which options I'd choose to insert! I'd love to take this, insert those that fit and post it on my blog! Thanks for the laughs! I'm definitely link to you so that others can join in the fun!

CPA Mom said...

I'm here from Sunshine's place. Hot damn, this is funny and so perfect for a few people in my family! I've linked to you/put up your letter on my Friday Funny post today. You are a scream!

Anonymous said...

Dear Daughter,
I can not believe that you would write such a thing. You were raised in such a loving and sane family. How could you do this to them...such a disgrace.

But, now that you have published this you know I will have to publish love letters to the family on my site..You are such a evil evil child. Don't you know that all this does not fit into their plan of brainwashing you... hahhahha

Love you bunches and see you Friday.. can't wait,,miss you bunches...Love MOM MIE

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

All - I'm so sorry that I've slacked off on the blogging. I'm going to add you all to my new blogsite. I'm glad you enjoyed this letter. - Ellie's Mommie