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If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 and 6.

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If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later.

And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

The Nut Has FInally Cracked

That's right.  You heard it here first.  My mother has officially fallen off her rocker.  Tonight, she got off the phone with me and purposely used her cell phone to call her house phone while she was in her house.  She spent several minutes talking to her self on her cell phone & house phone.  I'm not sure exactly what the conversation intailed, all I know is that the nutty broad didn't call me back for thirty minutes!
You know how the worst case senerio always seems to run through your head when you don't know all the information?  Well that's my problem now.  Here's a list of things I've decided my mother might have been talking to herself about:
  1. Crisis Intervention Helpline, how may I be of service... well, my parents are driving me insane and I don't know what to do about it....
  2. Mediation between her multiple personalities.
  3. Political debates between her Republican brain and the brain that is thinking of voting Democrat.
  4. Discussing her upcoming travel arrangements with herself.
  5. Listening to the television from the other room.
  6. Checking to see if her phone would function as a baby monitor.
  7. Absolute worse case senerio... SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN HAVING PHONE SEX WITH HERSELF!!!
That being said, the mysterious alien beeping noises that I was hearing while talking to her may have contributed to her temporary (I hope it's temporary!) insanity.
I do believe that if this becomes a habit, I may have to take out a loan to pay for her padded room.
I'm the mean time if anyone has a magic eraser to get the thought of Mom having phone sex with herself out of my mind, I'd appreciate it if you could mail it to me..... Things that make you go BBLLLGGHGHHG!!!

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Sunshine said...

Can we get you guys a guest spot on Spring? I would even PAY to watch!

Anonymous said...

Now listen young lady. You were the one that went from happy go lucky to pissed off at the beeping noise in under 2 seconds. I couldn't hear it.

So, if the nut cracked it might be because the little nut played with her brain to long....There was no God Damn beeping on my phone. Your Aunt couldn't hear it, your Uncle couldn't hear it,,you cousin couldn't hear it and I sure as hell couldn't hear it..

Phone sex??? Is that considered cheating when you have been in an 19 year relationship??? I know,,,it depends on what "it" or in this case "that" is....

Ellie's Mommie said...

Sunshine - Springer would take one look at our family and run screaming from the building. No, not that we are hard on the eyes it's just that we're hard on the head. Wanna know what it feels like to have an aneurism? Try having a reasonable conversation with my Grandparents!

OWTLIAS - I don't recall any of that. Who are they going to believe? A respectable public educator or a crazy whack job from the sticks?