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And if you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy for your shit!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Yes Mom! It's the right site!

Love the fabulously sappy new look?

Well to hell with you then! I like it and I'm keeping it this way. At least until I get bored with it.

On a side note... I haven't disowned all my fellow bloggers. It's just that when I changed layouts I lost all of the links. If that isn't tragic enough, this is the only place I had some of those links. So I'm slowly adding you back into my list as I retrace my blogs. Want to get back on the list quicker? I guarantee that anyone who comments to a post will be listed within the week!

That being said, let's get to the real subject.

I now fully understand the value of a $100 high chair!

At first I was like "who the hell spends $100 on a chair the kid sits in to eat?" I simply could not wrap my head around this concept. This spoiled terrorist has it made. We don't even have a dinner table and my daughter is eating off a $100 high chair!! I'm thinking... $2 plate, free second-hand chair, and my own lap (which technically cost my mother a postage stamp). So I'm being generous if I say that my eating area costs $5.

I am hear to confess that I clearly was wrong!

Every child should have a $100 high chair. Why? Because it will help them live longer!

Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter. However, my stubborn little Taurus that spawned from my womb is determined to drive me to madness. I have daydreams of selling her to the gypsies for 50 cents. I find it absolutely fabulous that she is finally mobile... for about 5 minutes. Then, the insanity commenses. Let me explain...
Ellie, go play with your toys!
NO! Don't climb on the entertainment stand!
I said GET DOWN!
STOP hitting the television!
DON'T eat the DVD's!
STAY OUT of the diaper wipes!
(takes away wipes)
(bawling commenses)
(hands her a pacifier)
DON'T even think about it!
NO! Get down from the coffee table!
(jumps up to move ashtray)
(takes away spilled ashtray)
(picks up cigarette butts and wipes up ashes)
Ellie, stay out of the bathroom!
(shuts bathroom door)
(jumps in front of baby now headed for bedroom)
(shuts all doors)
(bawling commenses)
(moves baby back to living room and hands a pacifier)
Ellie, play with your toys sweetie.
(hands her a ball)
(drops ball and grabs microscopic piece of paper that has fallen on the floor since I vacuumed 10 minutes ago)
NO! We don't eat paper!
(screams because I threw paper in trash)
(returns to room)
Get away from the TV!!
(places baby in playpen with 15,000 other toys)
(screaming commenses)
(walks away)
(screaming gets louder)
(pretends to ignore screaming)
.... 5 minutes later ....
Calm down, there is nothing to cry about. Play with your toys.
(picks her up and puts her in bouncy)
(walks away to pick up EVERYTHING in sight)
(puts baby back on the now spotless floor with 2 million entertaining toys)
No! I don't want to hold you!
.... 30 minutes of sleepy cuddling later ....
Shhhh... Go to sleep honey!
.... 20 minutes later ....
(lays sleeping baby down)
.... 5 minutes later ....
Oh yes... the high chair has saved her life. For $100, she sat in her chair and played for an hour with the cool spinny toy. Later she snacked on fruity puffs and baby cheetos while I helped the maintenance man. After that she played for a little on the floor. Later, she sat in her chair and ate some cheerios while Daddy Dearest and I ate. Then she played with the coold toy after Mommy put batteries in it. Some more playtime and a nap. Then she sat in her chair and had her supper. Afterwards, she leaned back and drank a bottle. Then she played with her toys in the chair while Mommie checked her email. Finally she curled up in Mommie's lap and went to bed. Our usual "NO NO BAD BABY!" time was literally cut in half.

Granted, I'm not delusional enough to believe this is a long term solution. I am fully aware that the newness of cool shit wears off. Amazingly, a child who cannot remember that crawling on the bottom of the coffee table gets a swat on the diaper, can remember that she played with this toy 3 days ago and it's a fucking boring toy! But for the time being Mommie got relief. And since it wasn't Mommie's $100 dollars that bought this extravegant child pacifying high chair, Mommie is HAPPY!


Speaking of a little girl who is spoiled

I want to live my next life backwards:

  • You start out dead and get that out of the way.
  • Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
  • Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
  • Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
  • Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
  • You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
  • You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
  • Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
  • Then you become a baby, and then...
  • You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
  • You finish off as an orgasm.


Peanut Butter said...

Dude, you new profile photo is HOT.

Sunshine said...

Oh, that was me, I was logged in wrong. Yeah, you're still hot.

Anonymous said...

I love it but I can't make it all load today.

Laughing at the baby running you to death. She is going to think her name is NO..

See you Friday,, Love Mom MIe

Ellie's Mommie said...

Sunshine - Thanks, I was in the mood for something new. A little spring cleaning was in order.

Mom Mie - Can't wait! We've been missing you.