So lets see if you can really blog from your email or if this is something stupid that will make monkeys fly out my ass when I push send.
Thank you so much for coming to visit us here in Kansas. We love you so very much and are very happy that you got to come see us. I really love the mobile and the baby monitor that you got for me and all the cool books will be fun to read with Mommy and Daddy.
I'm sorry you didn't get to see much of Daddy because he was working, but I hope you know that he was glad you got to come down and he appreciates everything you did while you were here.
I'm trying to be a good girl today because I know that Mommy isn't feeling very well. She took some medicine and squirted junk in her throat to make it stop hurting, now she's feeling so-so. I had some more of my cereal this morning and I loved it.
I hope you had a good drive home and tell Grandpa I miss him and love him much. Thank Grandpa for everything also and tell him we hope he can come down next time.
Well, I better go now and go take care of Mommy. She's sleepy and keeps getting woke up from her nap. Amber stopped by to tell us that Ms. Janet got mad because Amber called the HUD lady last night. Then Brenda stopped by to ask to use the thermometer. Faithy is running a temperature so Brenda went home to give her some medicine. But at least Mommy got a little bit of a nap and I'm being good. She took some cold meds to help, plus another antibiotic, and throat spray so now she's feeling okay for a while. Hopefully Mommy won't be sick for very long.
Mommy says that you think you've got the same thing. Hope you don't feel too icky. Take some antibiotics and get some rest.
Love you both very much and lots of BIG THANK YOUS!
Hugs & Kisses
Elocin Nicole
Once upon a time, long long ago, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess in a magnificent palace. And every morning the princess would wake with a beautiful smile and kiss her parents and tell them how much she loved them....
Okay, I'm full of shit! Honestly it wasn't a land far away... it was Kansas... and it wasn't a beautiful princess... it was a deceptively gorgeous baby girl who was secretly hiding her demon heritage behind those pretty eyes... and it wasn't a palace, it was a 1-bedroom low-income apartment that certainly doesn't have enough room for the spoiled princess's toys... and she didn't wake every morning with a smile, she screamed to be fed and changed and played with... and she didn't tell her parents she loved them, she PUKED on everything they owned and when especially thrilled she even PUKED on them!!
That being said...
Dear Mrs. Mother of the Flaming Psycho -
Maybe, if your daughter hadn't threatened to KILL the housing director she wouldn't be getting kicked out. Maybe if your daughter didn't leave her kids home alone all the time, she wouldn't be having all these problems. Maybe if you daughter had one ounce of human decency this wouldn't have happened. And MAYBE trying to run her car through the housing director's front lawn at 6 AM wasn't the smartest thing she could have done. So maybe she shouldn't be talking about what a bitch the housing director is and how it's all her fault! Maybe, you should turn her over your knee and give her the proper paddling she deserves rather than trying to ruin the housing director's life. And MAYBE if you come to my apartment with a tape recorder, I will not only tell you how much I like the housing director, but also let loose with how much I hate that bitch that used to live in the apartment down on the end! Yes, we're having a block party to celebrate her eviction. Yes, we are all very happy she is gone. Granted, I had alterior motives for wanting her gone (i.e. empty 3-bedroom means my neighbor moves out & I get her 2-bedroom!) However, I still think your daughter is a bitch and am very happy that she is gone!
Good Riddens!
Dear Student Who Didn't Think I Could Give a Detention,
Luckily for you, the fact that you mistook me for an 18-year-old high school student saved your butt and made me feel extremely generous. Plus, I got quite a laugh out of the fact that you were shocked to know I had a child. Normally I give out A's for such "flattery" however, the fact that you refused to read during class and thought I was lying made me a little less generous.
Be More Careful
Dear Neighbor's Soon To Be Ex-Husband,
I realize that in your mixed up little brain you somehow believe that you are a more fitting parent for your son. However, I find it very hard to believe that you could handle one night alone with your child when you can't even bother to take him on the days he is scheduled to be with you. You can't take him on weekends because it will interfere with your "plans." You can't take him when he has an ear infection because he'll keep you up all night. You can't keep him if you have to work, or hang out, or pee. Do the world a favor and stop trying to villify the one GOOD parent he has in his life. Oh, and don't bother trying to make a bad guy out of Mommy's boyfriend either because frankly, he does more for the kid that you do. I give tons of points to any guy who goes out and buys diapers for his girlfriend's child because Daddy didn't do it!
Dead beat!
Dear High School Girl Who's Playing Both Sides of the Fence,
You seriously need to grow up. As if two people in the middle of a divorce don't have enough issues, you have to go back and forth filling Daddy in on the details of Mommy. That would be entirely one thing, except that in your little teenage mind there is not enough excitement around so you decide to stretch the truth and tell him that Mommy doesn't take care of the kid, has drugs in her house, doesn't clean and is lazy. Seriously! GET A LIFE! And don't try to tell me she's lazy either because I live right next door! DUH!!
Take thy DRAMA elsewhere!
Dear People Who Think They Want To Visit Me:
I hope you are prepared to put up with all the local DRAMA, or that you are equipped with ANTI-DRAMA suits to repell the deadly effects of other people's fucked up lives.
Good Luck
----*----
P.S.
Dear Neighbors New Husband,
I'm sorry you had the unfortunate business of meeting my former MISTAKE at one point, but I have to be honest. I laughed my ass off at this... "Did they call him Whitesnake?"... "Well, honestly I thought he was a FAG!"
ROTFLMFAO for a WEEK!!!
And P.S.S.
Dear Willie,
I realize that you were rather shocked to have three good looking girls tell you good-bye when you were playing pool at RCM last weekend. I know that you were trying very hard to figure out who we were. I'm sorry that I didn't come up and say hello to you when you came in, but frankly, I didn't like you much when I was married to your cousin so I didn't see the point. So, since I'm feeling sorry for the fact that you've been racking your brain to figure it out, I decided to give your balls a break and fill you in. I'm the BITCH who used to be married to that ALBINO asshole cousin of yours. Now stop scratching and the chafing will go away soon!
Update: It should be noted that the Evil Munchkin from the Flaming Realms of OZ was exterminated in order to make room for the FemiNazi terrorist that I carried in my womb for nine months and who aspires to someday be a world dictator!!
Things you should know about the newest member of the crime villian family:
All prospective visitors to my home should come prepared with several changes of clean clothes. As a general precaution it may be wise to take your dirty socks and rub them on as cologne to counteract the scent of clean laundry which I am certain agitates this child to no end. Guest should also be equipped with ear plugs (I recommend the ear muffs that they use on the shooting range as this child has developed an new sound which could easily break the sound barrier and is exactly the right pitch to shatter glass.) In addition, I suggest that guest be fully prepared to stand in an upright position and be capable of hold a baby while wiping their ass.
Childbirth classes they don't teach (but should):
That being said, I adore my baby girl and I wouldn't trade her for the world. There is one more class that should be offered to all expectant mothers: 1 Million Ways a Baby Can Melt Your Heart!!
Love and Hugs to All
Dear Evil Munchkin From the Flaming Realms of OZ:
I realize that this is a very small apartment, but there are only 2.5 people living in it at this time and I simply see no reason why it needs to look like a tornado went through it. Seriously, if I start digging through things, I imagine I will find two feet sticking out from under the edge of a wall, complete with ruby slippers!
I will take partial responsibility for the dirty dishes piling up on the counter. I can even accept the trash that is waiting to be hauled out (can't take trash out while there's a maniac on the loose - at least that's my excuse!) Not to mention the fact that I'm too busy following your strange gremlin tracks around in the hopes that I can catch you and make you take the trash out!
However, I simply cannot understand the 15,000 Starburst wrappers that are fornicating on my desk! And what's with the miniture armada of paper airplanes sitting on the printer?
Honestly, your fun little games are not amusing me. I was especially not impressed when you decided to start breaking various appliances. I realize we don't have the newest appliances, and things are bound to break from time to time, but was it honestly necessary to break both the fridge door and the television at once?
Okay, so maybe we should have taken a closer look when the fridge door didn't shut the first time. Maybe, instead of assuming it was just a piece of shit that didn't seal on the first push, we should have investigated. Maybe slamming the door and cussing at it was not the correct reaction. But who in their right mind would have guessed that something was stuck in the door and that the bottom hinge would break as a result of slamming it? Do you realize how many times I've slammed that fridge door? Why? Because it's notorious for being a piece of shit. Who would have guessed it would actually break? I fully believe that you, Evil Munchkin, waited until the perfect moment to place a small, seemingly invisible item in the door to purposely break it. I am not amused! Though I am greatly appreciative of my brand spanking new fridge, I do not believe that you intended such good fortune to fall upon us. As a result, I am now determined that you hide in our new refridgerator and freeze my milk despite the fact that the fridge is set to the lowest (warmest) setting!! WTF?!?!
And the TV!! What did the TV ever do to you? Okay, so the plastic casing had a little crack in it from when Daddy Dearest tripped over it in the middle of the night. No big deal. But why, when Daddy Dearest decided that the picture on the small TV was better, did you decide to chisel away at the crack until Daddy Dearest sat the TV down and the whole thing collapsed? Was that necessary? Do you realize how ghetto my TV looks now? Yes, I like the big TV better, but you can't read the words on the guide and you can't read the captions on the storm warnings and you can't tell if the thing in the background is a tree or the serial killer sneaking up, but hey. I only watch 2 shows: House and Law & Order. If it's House, I assume the guy on the ground is sick. If it's Law & Order, I assume the guy on the ground is dead. Yes, I could put the big TV back up until we can pick up Daddy Dearest's TV this weekend, but I decided it's kind of nice getting to watch more than two shows, since I can actually read the guide to know what they are! So yes, I will watch my ghetto, backless TV that is being supported by a poisonous jar of toxic Peter Pan peanut butter. I will smile at the creativity of Daddy Dearest and hope that I don't have any unexpected guests in the next few days. And I will laugh as I force Daddy Dearest to throw a fully functioning TV into the dumpster because HONESTLY, we are not that FUCKING POOR that we need to keep a 20-inch backless TV around "just in case".
So as you can see, Evil Munchkin, I am in no way impressed with your Full Moon antics. Making a soda can explode on Daddy Dearest right before he headed to work. Not cool! Mysteriously knocking down anything in my shower that is held up with a suction cup (especially in the middle of the night). Annoying! And what the hell are you doing with all of my fingernail clippers? I swear!
I have had to place tracking beacons on all of my socks, since you insist on following me to the washer and stealing them. I now count socks before I take them to the washer, as I place them in the washer, as I place them in the dryer, and again when I fold them. I have so far managed to keep all socks paired with an appropriate match. I believe instead that you are now stealing underwear and silverware. I hate to fathom what strange place setting you have created in your Evil Munchkin dining room.
I am hereby issuing a warrant for your immediate eviction from this apartment. All individuals have been informed to squish you on site. If you cannot behave like a civilized part of society, I will be forced to call in an exterminator. Don't think for one moment that your band of cavity-ridden Lollipop kids and your flying monkeys will be able to protect you.
Sincerely,
The Great and Powerful Ellie's Mommie!!
Random Conversation for your entertainment (On our anniversary in the hotel spa)
Me: Once upon a time there was a...
Daddy Dearest: MAN
Me: And he wanted to...
DD: F#CK
Me: But he didn't have a...
DD: CONDOM
Me: So he used a...
DD: NAPKIN
Me: But it...
DD: BROKE
Me: And so he...
DD: DIED!!
Me: The End
Yes, it's true. All is well here in OZ... unfortunately I haven't hadmuch time to keep you all informed of the news and updates. A little girl with an ear infection has been taking most of my time. Yes, Daddy has been doing his fair share, but when I've had a free moment, I've been socializing with my neighbors or catching up on some much needed sleep.
First things first. Since we all know you'd rather see more pictures of Ellie than read my ramblings. NEW PICS are now on Ellie's site. Some of them are from clear back in June. I posted them today with dates and later I'll go back and put them in June where they belong. The newest ones were taken today. She's been very cooperative this evening so I thought I'd snap some quick pics since Daddy had her dressed in my favorite onsie. So go get your BABY FIX!
Though these aren't nearly as good as my Mom's storm pics, this was the freaky storm that came through on July 12th. All was quiet and then suddenly the wind came up and BOOM! It was moving too quick to really do much (crossed the county in 30 minutes!) but there was some cool dipping and twisting in the clouds.
And for those of you who desperately need humor in your lives, here's my neighbor's 16-month-old daughter proving that NOT EVERYTHING IN KANSAS IS FLAT!!
Yes, we're just a bunch of Midwestern Misfits!! We're true Americans...
REDneck,
WHITE trash,
BLUE collar!!!
Someone please explain this too me...
If you read the previous post you know that Mrs. C is with a real asshole. I realize that assholism is usually an inheritted problem. And yet, it never ceases to amaze me when one asshole reveals his backwoods-asshole-roots.
So the other night in the middle of all this hoopla, Grandma C showed up in a hissy fit demanding that she have her Grandchild, blah blah blah. When she's storming around in a fit while one of the women calls the police I try to explain that we're just making sure Neighbor B's butt is covered because Grandparent's don't have custodial rights. At this point Grandma C gets pissy with me asking what custodial rights I have!! ("Lady, I'm not claiming to have rights to your grandkid, I'm just trying to make sure everyone is doing right by that little girl asleep at my neighbors!... grrr... I hate people!)
So yes, they had to give the kid to her, they had to sit back and let this all happen knowing that Mrs. C would be out of jail in 1 hour to come get her kid. There is this huge stink, Grandma C is bitchy, Mr. C is bitchy, all the C's have clearly forgotten to take their assholism mediations. Grandma C threatens other Grandma with legal actions and lawyers, etc.
Now, keep in mind that this all took place at precisely 5:00 AM. About 5 hours later, they must have decided they'd had enough because Grandma C delivered the baby to Mrs. C at about 10:00 AM before she dropped her son off at his apartment at 11! Guess they didn't really want the kid as bad as they thought. Or maybe Mr. C couldn't be bothered with his kid over the weekend (Mrs. C has to take her to day-care while she works, even though Mr. C doesn't have a job!) Or maybe, Grandma C took her son in for a drug test like she promised only to find out that Mrs. C was telling the truth!! That of course is unlikely, but my favorite explanation.
I don't really know anything other than the fact that assholism is clearly genetic and obviously the only reason that the C family wanted the baby last night was to hurt Mrs. C!
--------
P.S. -- "Mr. C, you probably shouldn't be calling all the guys here PUSSIES for not fighting with you. YOU turned your girlfriend in because she SLAPPED you!! I think that makes it VERY CLEAR who the real PUSSY is!!"
P.S.S. -- "Great, now all the psychos are going to be on my site looking to slap some pussy! Sorry to disappoint!"
We have hereby concluded that living here is the best cure for boredom. If you are totally lacking in your fair share of DRAMA and feel that life has you trapped in an excitement-free-rut... please, come join us at our housing facility.
Last night's events involved the following:
Police visit #1 - Neighbor A gets a phone call from her ex-husband and BIL threatening to come over and start shit with her current boyfriend because he's "stepping on the ex-husband's toes". Poor J is having to defend himself & his girlfriend but he's still not getting any! Why? Well beause the cops keep interrupting...
Police visit #2 - Neighbor B is watching Neighbor C's daughter. Mr. C is supposedly hopped up on drugs & drunk, but trying to beat Mrs. C to pick up his daughter. Mrs. C slapped Mr. C for demanding $100 for crap when she's struggling to pay rent. Cops arrest Mrs. C for domestic assault and say Mr. C can pick up his daughter after noon when he sobers up.
Police call - Mr. C's mother comes to pick up grandbaby, must get clarification from police before handing the child over.
Police visit #3 - While loading up his kid in his mother's vehicle (no car seat) Mr. C threatens ever person who is standing outside. Threatens to sic his dog on people. Threatens to come back with his cousin. Police do nothing.
Police call - reporting that grandma & Mr. C are driving without carseat.
All in all... the cops did nothing about Mr. C being drunk on probation. They did nothing about the fact that he clearly drove 30 miles drunk. They did nothing to see if he was on drugs. They did not catch them without a carseat. They did not file charges for the threats made.
The only good thing is that the housing director doesn't tolerate this behavior and she is now going to handle it. And Mrs. C did not have to spend the night in jail. As of 6 am she was leaving with her parents. Sadly though, she will now have to fight to get her kid back from Mr. C.
Oh the excitement!! Come join!
Like sands through the hour glass... so are the days of our lives.
Having crawled out from under my rock, I decided to spend the day browsing the internet. Just some random browsing. And I stumbled upon my mother's local newspaper and an article published last week. MAN DOES THIS BURN MY ASS!!
Step 1: U.S. Surgeon General publishes a report on the dangers of second-hand smoke.
Step 2: Local law enforcement decides it is their duty to label smoking with a child in the vehicle as CHILD ABUSE!
Step 3: Charge all people caught smoking in a vehicle with a child with a Class 1 misdemeanor ($1,000 fine! That'll make 'em quit smoking!)
Step 4: Decide smoking in your home is child abuse!
Step 5: TOTAL VIOLATION OF CIVIL RIGHTS!!
Maybe I'm stretching things a bit. Maybe my visions of perfectly happy homes being disrupted by SWAT teams wielding automatic weapons and bullet-proof vests is going overboard. Maybe I just think that the government should mind their own fucking business and let me raise my kid!
What's next? Are they going to arrest me if I buy my kid a Happy Meal. Why not? Isn't just as dangerous to let my kid get fat? Doesn't a diet high in saturated fats clearly endanger my child's well being? What if I let them get a dog? What if it might someday bite? Isn't it dangerous to have my kid in a car at all? What if I let them play in the mud? Or eat a bug!! Or skin thier knee!! What if I don't apply Neosporin to every cut every time? What if I think it's okay for them ride a bicycle? Or climb a tree!! What if I cut my chicken and vegetables on the same cutting board? What if I let them try sushi? What if I'm okay with them playing video games? Or watching R-rated movies? Or listening to Rap!!! What if I let them ride horses? What if I let them swim in lakes? What if I let them go fishing? What if I don't make them tie their shoe laces? What if I forgot to read them Mother Gooses Nursery Rhymes every fucking night?
Seriously!!
Yes, I realize that smoking is the parent's choice and the child has no say in it. Therefor the national dictatorship feels it necessary to force us to do what is right. In that case... lets assess all the other "ADULT" choices that affect children.
What if I never marry her father? What if I do? What if I divorce him? What if I refuse to let her see some of her family members? What if I force her to see others? What if I make her go to school? What if I make her do her homework? For that matter, what if I let her skip school one day? What if I don't make her eat her vegetables at every meal? What if I don't force her to see a therapist? What if I let her eat chocolate cake for breakfast? What if I rub whiskey on her gums when she's teething? What if I let her watch too much TV? What if I don't pick her up when she cries? Do we pass a law that makes breast-feeding mandatory because it is better for children's health?
Let me make sure I've got this straight...
...I could be drunk every night, never hold my child, never tell them I love them, force my child to grow up in some fucked up relationship that is unhealthy, feed her crappy food, let her vegitate in front of the TV, never make her take a bath, and allow her to drop out of school... but as long as these activities aren't actually "harming" her it's okay... GOD FORBID I SMOKE A CIGARETTE IN A CAR WITH HER!!
Can we say, "HAIL HITLER!!!"?
POP QUIZ
Multiple choice:
1. Why does my child scream bloody fucking murder?
--a. She has an ear infection
--b. She had her shots on Wednesday
--c. She doesn't know what she wants
--d. She's the spawn of Hades
2. What time have we gone to bed this week?
--a. midnight
--b. 2 am
--c. 4 am
--d. 6 am
3. What time does Ellie wake up?
--a. 8 am
--b. 10 am
--c. Noon
--d. 2 pm
4. What TV shows am I currently addicted to?
--a. General Hospital and House
--b. Big Love and Lil' Bill
--c. America's Got Talent and Cities of the Underworld
--d. all of the above
5. What do I really wish I could do?
--a. run away to Mexico
--b. get my child to sleep in her crib
--c. get drunk with the football team
--d. marry a 99-year-old multi-millionaire the day before he croaks
True or False:
__ 6. I've had time to blog but nothing to blog about.
__ 7. I've seen almost all the movies that are playing in the theater this week.
__ 8. I missed an episode of Big Love and am freaking out because I don't know what is going on with the 3rd wife or what happened after the cops busted the compound!
__ 9. I actually cooked a meal this week and it was... MEATLOAF!
__ 10. Most of my neighbors are complaining about things going on in the housing center.
Essay:
Please tell me what you think my next blog should be about and why.
you can all thank Ellie's crazy Grandma for complaining... she earned the whole class homework!
FINALLY! I think this is the first time that the following events have all happened at the same time!
Yes, I actually have a 100% free moment (knock on wood/paper/fiberboard/tree product) to catch up on all my loonies who I miss quite dearly. *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF*
It's true that I shouldn't be letting her sleep on the couch... on her stomach... during broad daylight... but you know... I just don't give a flying fuckity fart hook at this particular moment.
I hereby claim this moment as MINE!! ALL FUCKING MINE!!!
So as I strolled down the lovely streets of Blogland and the bees buzzed amongst the beautifully blooming flowers... I tripped over some frigging trash some asshole had thrown on the sidewalk... the next thing I know, I'm picking gum off the bottom of my shoe... and realize that some jackass teenager has spray painted graffiti on the side of my house!
I kicked the trash into the neighbor's yard (her's smells like ass anyway!), threw the gum on the sidewalk behind me and sprinkled powdered milk on the lawns of any house that has teenagers living in it (secretly wringing my hands and praying for rain, followed by a hot sunny day!)
Back to my lovely relaxing stroll... While I sympathize with the lonely life of Crystal, I could not help but laugh hysterically (as piss ran down my leg) because I can so relate to her circumstances. I can so picture myself standing on the front porch holding a gun, screaming at a dog, and cussing the asshole who is out fishing instead of home "protecting" his family. Then again... I'd probably have gotten myself shot by the cops for screaming "If you're bringing that worthless son-of-a-bitch home drunk, you better duck!"
Down the street a little further, I find Dawn wallowing in her petty hatred for her High School classmates. While her darling Terrance tries to talk her into "being the better person" I'm standing on the sidewalk screaming, "KICK THEIR ASSES DAWN!! TO HELL WITH THOSE BE-IOTCHES!!" Yes... it will be ten years for me soon. Do I carry a grudge with me every day? No... what a waste of time. But honestly, when you look back and think about it... don't they just PISS YOU OFF!! Yes, I have moved on and made a good life and those people hardly ever cross my mind, but like the ex you forgot about until you saw him on the street... having someone bring them back into your life just naturally digs up all the animosity you thought you had boxed away! It's not like you spend 10-20 years anxiously waiting for that reunion! Would you even notice if you never heard from them again? Then some idiot decides... "Lets get together and point and brag and relive our stupid youth because we have nothing better to do!" That's when you start feeling petty! So I'll be the one standing in the circle screaming "FIGHT FIGHT!! PULL HER HAIR OUT!!"
Further down the street, I thought about stopping in to say, "Hi" to Karla, but then I remembered it's almost eight o'clock and I'd hate to interupt her alcohol graphing. Since it wasn't too long ago that I was being tormented by my own little parasite, I thought I'd leave her alone to contemplate the future horrors of more singing Elmos.
I had to hold back my diabolic side as I passed further down the street. Looky Daddy is camping with his wife, a six-year-old and two-year-old twins. Now is the perfect time to sneak in and steal his stash from the mini-bar. But sadly, my good conscience over-ruled my inner-alcoholic and decided he would definately need that mini-bar when he gets back from camping. If he's smart, he took it with him!
So... my long stroll through Blogland has resulted in me wanting a dog, cursing my classmates, and clearly needing a drink since my darling daughter just woke back up. Enjoy the stroll but try to stay away from the trash. Also, don't dump your damn trash on my sidewalk anymore because Chris has enough shit piling up in her yard.
Happy Walking!
Fuckin' A!
Fuck a B... it has more holes
Fuck a C... it's looser
You fuck the B... I want to fuck the Y
No... the Y has a penis! You'll need to fuck the O
So what about the Q? Is it already getting fucked?
I don't know, but I'm sure you couldn't handle the T
No, I personally wanna fuck the P because it's got it all.
Are you sure the P isn't just a D with a strap-on?
Well, I'm not sure about that, but I do believe the Y is just a V with a strap-on.
What about the R? It has two dicks!!
This conversation is very obsurd!
I know, but what about all the letters we've left out?
You know the poor G is like, "Man, what about me? I'm like a C with a piercing!"
I don't even want to ask about the J and S!
My deepest appologies to the E, F, H, I, K, L, M, N, U, W, X, and Z
*This oughta bring the wierdos crawling out of the woodwork!
For the Fourth of July, we were invited to join Aunt T's family for a spectacular fireworks display. I have to admit, I felt right at home (a.k.a. North Family was easily replaced!)
The following events took place and any of them could easily have been expected at a gathering of my own family!
As you can clearly see, these people would blend right into any family gathering of mine. Just in case any of them stumble onto this by accident. I love you!! Seriously. It was great! I had a great time! Fitting in and being fun is a good thing because I really can't stand snob-nosed stuck-up uptight jerks. THANKS!!
That being said, the beloved Ell slept through the majority of her first Fourth of July.
And she missed some really good fireworks.
But she finally woke up
Just in time for the grand finale!
Love and Hugs to all (especially Mom who hates this holiday and it's all my fault! Sorry... love you!)
*Note: I must say these firework pictures are quite spectacular considering my digital camera has about a two second delay from the time you click until the time the picture is taken. It took 60+ shots just to get this small handful of pictures.
Okay, I'd love nothing more than to satisfy the insatiable needs of blogland (I'm a tramp like that!) but honestly, my "ASS," as my Mother so kindly puts it, is currently owned by a rather demanding individual (not Daddy Dearest, poor guy can't remember the last time he got some "ass"...was that too much? oh well, you asked for it).
Anyway, since my darling daughter insists that she needs to be the center of attention for most of the day... what is a mother to do? I thought about putting her in the baby sling and hanging her off the side of the desk, but unless I super-glued the pacifier in her mouth, I'm afraid she'd still object.
On the up side, she decided to develop a sleeping schedule. For three days in a row she was going to bed a little before midnight & sleeping straight through (minus a couple of feedings) until 9:30 am. The down side? We let her sleep all of one day because we were rearranging the bedroom and now that wonderful sleep schedule went out with the dirty diapers. Back to SQUARE ONE... which is just to the left of HELL!
Good thing is that Ell now has her own personal corner in the bedroom. Bad thing is that she refuses to spend any time in the bedroom unless she is asleep on MOMMIE'S BED!!
... on a lighter note, I'd like to publish this letter ...
Dear Mr. Postman who was sleeping in his vehicle at 3 PM in the park,
I now know why my mail is always late!!
Thank you!
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I was tempted to blare on the horn as we passed him, but then I decided he was only delivering bills so who the hell cared.
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
So our lives have been filled with tons of intellectual conversations.
Case in point:
*on trip to Nebraska*
Daddy Dearest: That tower looks like it has ping pong paddles on it!
Daddy Dearest: Oh Wait! They're bottle caps!
Daddy Dearest: Nope! They're modern indian drums!
Daddy Dearest: They just automatically go off on schedule
Daddy Dearest (in American Indian voice): Teepee burn down, Squaw run off, Horses die, Casino go under, We eat hogs, I sell my hair, Make good Tampons!! (by now voice is East Indian)
Me: *laughing hysterically, throws notebook on car floor*
Daddy Dearest: Release everything! Can't hold onto this! Must focus on breathing!
Daddy Dearest: Rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head, rub belly pat head! SHIT! Rub belly rub belly rub belly!!
As you can see, our car was clearly leaking some form of toxic gas into the vehicle which created this strange state of non-sense delerium. Not convinced! Try this conversation on for size:
Daddy Dearest: *something about Cantaloupe*
Me: We can too elope!
Daddy Dearest: No we can't!
Me: *Discussion about telling people we're already married*
Daddy Dearest: *Comments that we could stage a wedding complete with rented tux and dress*
Daddy Dearest: We'll even rent the bouquets!!
Daddy Dearest: OOOHHH!! I want a bOOOOOkie!
Me: *laughing hysterically* You're DELERIOUS!! *more laughter* bOOOOOkie!!
Daddy Dearest: bOOOOOkie? I don't know no Bookie! I don't read BOOKS!!
Me: *laughing & trying to speak*
Daddy Dearest: Mrs. B!!! (refers to a previous conversation not worth mentioning)
Me: *more laughter & tries to comment* B-b-bo...
Daddy Dearest: (interupting) BOO! Boob! Boobobee!!
Daddy Dearest: "Hi! I am BOOBOBEE!!"
Daddy Dearest: Let's name our son BOO-BO-BEE!!
Now, as much as I would truely love to blame these non-sense conversations on toxic gases, recreational drug use, or 80's flashbacks, I am reluctant to admit that this is just a fact of our lives. Even now, the insane subject matter continues to haunt me.
If you have watched the new animated series "Lil' Bush" this will be a lot more hilarious too you, but in case you haven't I'll give you a little background. The series has Bush Sr. as president and all of today's politicians are just kids. The character Lil' Cheney goes around constantly saying "Raar, raar, raar, ((random statement)), raar, raar!" That being said, this insanity has trickled into our brains and has become the new "silence breaker" in our home. When there is nothing to say (or we're too braindead to form logical conversations) we simply spew off these random statements...
Raar, raar, raar, POTATO CHIP raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, MOO COW raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, WHIPS & CHAINS raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CRYING BABY raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, SCARY CLOWN raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CANDY BAR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, STRIP POKER raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, UGLY NEIGHBOR raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, JUNE BUG raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, CABAGE PATCH KID raar, raar
Raar, raar, raar, ANAL SEX (Was that too much? Sorry!)
You get the drift! It's been mind boggling around here!
And on a final note... let me leave you with some lyrics (sung to some symphony that I knew until I tried to think of it!)
If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
If you are in the other room, then you will hear me,
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out loud
I'll scream out VERRRRYYY LOUD!
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my blankie?
Or my binkie?
Or my baba?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BABA?
Where is my BA-BA-BAAA?
Oh no my tummy
It hurts when I throw up...
So, yeah... You can thank Daddy Dearest for not only giving up the computer, but babysitting for the last couple of hours so that I had time to entertain your selfish asses!! And just in case the thought crossed your mind to critisize... his poker check came today and all I can say is "SHUT THE FUCK UP! HE MAKES MORE ON THIS COMPUTER THAN I MAKE IN TWO MONTHS OF WORK SO HE CAN HAVE IT ALL HE WANTS!!" Besides, if you checked your site meters you know I've been here, I just haven't been in the state of mind to think of something creative!
So now I've taken time to satisfy your blogland needs (leave the money on the dresser!) if you don't mind I'm going to go satisfy myself (selfish bastards didn't even offer me a kiss!) But honetly, I have a patriotic manicure that has been in the making (one layer at a time) for the past five hours (just enough time for one coat to dry between Ell's screaming fits). So if you don't mind, I'm going to go paint the stars on my right hand and consider painting my toe nails with pretty spring flowers.
So put your damn clothes back on and lock the door on the way out!!
...................................................................................
FOR SALE: Bottled baby puke and dirty diapers. No questions asked. All sales final. Product may vary.
So here I was outside minding my own business. We had just got back from town and the front door was still propped open. When I turn to go inside, THIS is what I saw trying to enter my house!! 13 inches of this!!!
Needless to say my daughter has quite a set of lungs and we found out today that she inheritted them from me. SCREAM? Yes I did. Like a GIRL!!
"DADDY!! COME QUICK!! NOW!!! IT'S GETTING IN THE HOUSE!!!"
All the while I was standing on top of the bench on our front step. Exactly where this creature sought to hide after being chased from the house!
OH YES!! I CAN JUMP!!
I cleared the flowers and landed several feet into the yard!!
Just thought I'd let you know there are a couple new pics up on Ellie's site. Make sure you scroll down to check out how she fell asleep the other night. Seriously, she screamed if I tried to move out of that position. I finally convinced her I could lean her against my legs, but she wouldn't let me move my hands from under her arms. YES!! SHE'S SPOILED!! But seriously, who wants to listen to her scream when all she wants is to be held?
Hope you enjoy. If you're Dad deserves it I hope you called (or at least sent a card)... if you're Dad's a JACKASS, I hope you got the chance to flip him off (or at least curse his name under your breath).
Have a great one!
